Wake Me Now

In “The Politics of Reality”, Marilyn Frye writes:

For some exploiters, the combination of the work they want done and the milieu of power in which they operate permits them the inefficiencies wrought by the disabling and annihilative effects of oppression; they may have an endless supply of humans to convert to workers, and the work may be such as can be done by someone in shackles and/or totally dispirited. But in many cases a relative shortage of workers, the expense of training them, the need for employment of workers’ talents and intelligence, and sometimes (perversely enough) the exploiter’s personal attachment to the exploited, make such inefficiency unsatisfactory. Efficient exploitation of “human resources” requires that the structures that refer the others’ actions to the exploiter’s ends must extend beneath the victim’s skin. The exploiter has to bring about the partial disintegration and re(mis)integration of the others’ matter, parts and properties so that as organized systems the exploited are oriented to some degree by habits, skills, schedules, values and tastes to the exploiter’s ends rather than, as they would otherwise be, to the ends of their own . . . What the exploiter needs is that the will and intelligence of the victim be disengaged from the projects of resistance and escape but that they not be simply broken or destroyed. Ideally, the dis-integration and mis-integration of the victim should accomplish the detachment of the victim’s will and intelligence from the victim’s own interest and their attachment to the interests of the exploiter.

. . . With that, the situation transcends the initial paradigmatic form or structure of coercion; for if the people don’t mind doing what you want them to do, then, in a sense, you can’t really be making them do it. (Emphasis hers)

These paragraphs jumped off the page while reading during my lunch break today. This essay is useful in explaining the very topic I’d like to speak on next: why a number of prostitutes not only defend but also express enthusiasm about their positions despite much of what it entails.

Conditioning of the Future Prostitute

It feels strange looking back on the years leading up to joining prostitution, not because I didn’t realize my life lessons could lead to the level of tolerance needed to become a prostitute but because in fact I was aware, albeit sub-consciously. I remember joking to my clients and friends on many occasions about how I’d essentially been groomed for this line of work, and now what once seemed humorous has led to this ironical epiphany as to the nature of our society and how girls are brought up and socialized within it. What once was taken for granted and accepted as a typical “rite of passage” into female adulthood experienced by plenty of girls and young women, both past and present, now leaves me feeling angry, resentful, frustrated, embittered, and bewildered at the incredible extent of damage these events cause to the female psyche. Not just to my own, but in many women I’ve met, both in and out of the prostitution realm.

While it’s repeated with disgusting regularity that “it’s a man’s world” and plenty of us are brought up being taught that resistance is futile, the wounds shared with women met along the way represented the only real bond to other women that I had (and have) ever experienced. These painful experiences, often at the hands of or as a result of men, practically became like a badge of honor that told others that I too had come to understand the realities of “my place” in society, and in that we (as “broken” women) had some measure of camaraderie and compassion for one another. Coming into womanhood became synonymous with learning to toughen up and smile in the face of senseless tragedy, over and over again. To be a “real” woman was to learn to not dwell on your past or to direct too much blame at men as a category.

Well, I was never that good at hiding my pain or accepting the life lessons that came my way at such a tender age were simply due to forces of nature or challenges from a god and therefore were “just a part of life” and “growing up” that we all experience and can’t escape. To a point I had to accept that explanation since it was the only one offered, but it never set well with me. When I’d cry and beg others (males and females) for advice on how to avoid these tragic events, the solution was always said to lie within me as an individual not in society as a whole. To continue to draw attention to the injustices serves to drive a wedge between myself and others, as it has to this day, but ah well… I’m unwilling to accept that each individual young girl is responsible for all that comes her way, especially as it relates to her relations with grown men.

So, how does a young woman come to see herself as prostitute-material, and why is this option appealing to some who join the profession? Well, I remember after a couple of years in the profession telling a client that women don’t just turn to prostitution for no good reason, not in our current social and political climate, not unless she’s mad. Some would say that that statement is unfounded and presumptuous, and perhaps it is, but it’s what I’ve come to believe. Certainly we each came into this for a variety of reasons, and I can’t (and won’t) claim to speak for others, but I will give my own assessment of what was personally experienced and witnessed from my own perspective in conjunction with what was related to me by other women.

From here on out, I’ll exclude financial desperation from this discussion even though it can and does play a major role, since that alone is not generally sufficient to draw a woman toward becoming a prostitute on what most of us considered “our own volition.”

Of those I spoke with over the years, one thing we had in common, almost universally, was that we were sexualized in one way or another at very young ages. That may take the form of being outright sexually abused, but that’s not the only way it occurs, and outside of those joining on the street-level it’s said to be a lesser concern. (Since I did not work on the street-level, I’ll stick with that which is known to me and leave the speculating into the lives of street-walkers for someone with direct experience working within that capacity.)

For many of us it entailed becoming sexually active at very young ages and being exposed to and exploited by older men. Teenage girls being coerced or encouraged to engage in sex with older men is nothing new, but times have changed and the way in which it is carried out has as well. Young girls are taught that being sexually desirable is ideal, but the attention it garners from older men is problematic, and for those without protection from the manipulations of men, the events that transpire can be life-changing. For girls lacking resources and family support, it isn’t difficult to find yourself at the mercy of these older men, relying on and trusting them to provide for your care to at least some extent with sex expected in trade. (More on this in a moment.)

It also doesn’t help that since the advent of the so-called “MTV generation” we as a society blatantly promote the sexualizing of still younger females, which has snowballed since the 1980s to shameless pandering to junior high and elementary-aged audiences today. But more on that in a future post.

We are a society that for whatever reason has come to value casual sex immensely. Combine that with the explicit sexualizing of our girls and young women and guess who becomes a prime target? As if girls and young women weren’t targeted already, we now have the compounding issue of this appearing perfectly acceptable by the masses and parents in particular. Ugh. Gag me.

It’s so hard not to digress on this topic since so many factors play into why women ultimately decide that prostitution is a viable alternative, but that’s the main point: it is an alternative to something else deemed worse. I’ve asked people in the past to stop and think about what it means when a woman says that her life as a prostitute is SO MUCH BETTER than whatever came prior. (For myself this was certainly the case.) What that should tell a person about the kind of life experiences a prostitute faced prior to “joining the ranks” is it was no cakewalk because the role of prostitute, in our current social and political climate (the context is essential here), is NOT a role most women willingly aspire to. Sex and money aside, just think about the ridicule and mistreatment you face from others in day-to-day life in the event that they uncover your secret. And IT IS a secret because to admit openly that this is what you choose to do with yourself, whether presently or previously, is to face social ostracism, being fired from your “real” job, possibly/probably losing custody of your children, and being treated as less than human (lower than a dog, as I’ve heard it put). Now what about that sounds like something the average, ordinary gal would want to take on?

Bring it back to the sex now. We don’t all agree to do anything and everything with anyone who happens to offer money, and we tend to take it personally when people assume this is true. Just like any other line of work, there are niche markets that particular women cater to, such as kink and BDSM. With that said, however, even with a measure of choice, once behind closed doors you can’t be certain that your client will respect those boundaries. Sometimes, and I’m going to claim it occurs often enough to keep the women nervous, the men overpower you and do what they wish. Sometimes there is violence. Not all the time, but hell, that’s not saying much. What does happen regularly, as many working women have attested to in our private groups, is that men like to “play ignorant” and try shit on us just to see if they can get away with it. An example that comes to mind is grabbing the woman’s hair/head and shoving her face into his lap more roughly than he ought to, basically forcing deeper oral penetration, then pretending it was an accident (that’s oh-so-common). Gagged by dick is never fun for anyone. Or how about the client trying to slide the condom off inconspicuously during sex so that he can enjoy sex sans barrier, showing zero regard for our health and well-being (we collectively bitch about this bullshit tactic on an almost daily basis!).

And yet, we take it in stride and even profess to love our jobs. Why? Well, it beats the alternative, I’ll tell you that! If what you’ve known prior is worse or more degrading, then this reality doesn’t seem so bad. In fact, it’s way better because now you’re paid (even handsomely) for putting up with the ways of men and have some measure of choice and autonomy that wasn’t afforded to you in the past. I still struggle inside with the concept of my job doing me a disservice for that very reason, and those years involved in “the industry” continue to be some of the best years of my life. But that’s not saying much, is it?

On the one hand I want to defend prostitution and say that it’s a viable option for a woman in need, assuming you have the right temperament, and then I pause and think about that. The right temperament? Oh, you mean worn down sufficiently to put up with men’s bullshit without taking it to heart? You mean tolerant of the idea that men have created what amounts to a new-age “boys club” where they share stories about the women they fuck and you just happen to be on the list with all of the gory, exaggerated details splayed out there for the masses to access and ridicule? You mean keeping a stiff upper lip when they gripe about their wives not doing enough to fulfill his needs or not maintaining her figure as she “ought” to? So basically, the “right temperament” really entails possessing the ability to shut yourself off to the reality of the situation, which is that by-and-large the men do not respect women (or perhaps even themselves) and feel a sense of entitlement to do whatever they please by virtue of being born male. Oh, and being able to schmooze and build them up, stroking that ego so they can go on feeling justified in doing what it is they do. (Not that they really need you to build them up, mind you. If you won’t, someone else will.)

What amount of conditioning is necessary to create the type of woman that not only goes along with this male-centered plan but who also claims to be supportive of its agenda? I can’t speak for others obviously, but I’ll try to explain what led me there in the next part of this series.

Marriage & Prostitution

In what ways are prostitution and marriage related? Well, I’d say that in many cases they’re essentially the same thing, with one form designed to cater to only one man (at a time) and the other to many, but another way to look at it is to see prostitution as an alternative to marriage. That’s how I viewed it at the time, along with seeing it as a way to preserve the maximum amount of freedom in my day-to-day life without being shackled to the whims and wants of one man in particular.

This belief doesn’t necessarily spring from the events of my own youthful marriage in as much as I’m not nearly as bitter about what went down back then. Though I’m sure my experience in feeling so dependent on and at the mercy of my partner ultimately did affect my decision to buck the traditional expectations and find a way to care for myself on my own. Back when I first decided to try my hand at prostitution the wounds were still raw and the anger and resentment hadn’t subsided yet.

I’m not so sure how I feel about the institution of marriage these days. Would I consider remarrying someday? Perhaps. It’s hard to say. I’m not necessarily against marriage as an option, but I do resent it being pushed repeatedly by my family, even before my husband hit the scene, beginning at the age of 15. It’s odd to think about it all now, knowing that my friends had different experiences, receiving little or no pressure to marry until they were at least of legal age. In my family, however, marriage was encouraged much earlier, beginning with pressure from my mother to marry a boy in high school, followed the next year by my grandma sending me back across the country in hopes of having a man twice my age (making him 32 at the time) care for me. (Not that I’m bashing my grandma here; while it sounds archaic, the underlying motive was actually a lack of income to continue to provide for my care. She regrets that decision now, but it was born out of desperation and a lack of resources, not a lack of love.) Admittedly, I’m sometimes torn over how things went down during those years, not wanting to feel like a burden on my people while at the same time not being ready emotionally to take on that level of responsibility. It is what it is and there’s nothing that can be done now to undo those events, though I do understand that they obviously impacted me greatly.

With that all in mind, it’s not difficult to see why marrying my (now ex)husband seemed like a good idea at the time. Or more accurately, why it was viewed as the best option presented up to that point. So no, our marriage wasn’t a result of teenage rebellion against our parents (well, maybe for him), but instead an attempt for two kids to combine resources and create some semblance of family, which we both craved. We could have combined resources without marrying, but with the marriage license comes benefits, such as me regaining residency in that state for tuition purposes and us not having to claim our parents’ income on financial aid applications (very important since neither of us received any parental support). Mundane reasons like that prompted us to go forward with our plans, as unromantic as that is.

Marriage is an economic institution above and beyond all else. Or at least it has been historically and remains so for plenty of people. Marrying solely for the sake of love seems to be an event reserved primarily for those with access to an abundance of resources. I can’t speak for others obviously, but only one couple in my direct lineage that I’m aware of had that luxury (the woman that my family member married came from a well-to-do family).

As a female, particularly from a financially-stressed family, there can be tremendous pressure to find a man that can help provide for your needs. Sometimes I wonder why there isn’t more encouragement for young women to lean on one another as friends and create a cooperative of sorts rather than enter into a commitment of this magnitude, but then I don’t suppose that would serve the patriarchy very well.

What I had been taught back then was that a man was necessary in order to improve your lot in life, even if the situation proved temporary. Once married (in respect to viewing it through an economic lens) you begin to see how it breaks down into using sex to barter and convince, and sometimes you learn that sex can also be used against you, as in the case of extramarital affairs and a sense of entitlement to unrestricted access on the part of your mate. If you can carry that economic lens over into the dating realm after leaving the marriage, it’s a short leap from realizing that the services you provided to your husband are transferable and can lead to income. Sound cold? Well, that’s the over-simplified version, but it’s honest.

As for the husbands of others, they too have discovered that visiting prostitutes is a convenient way to circumvent any sexual bartering their wives may employ, in effect reducing the power their wives wield in the relationship by remaining sexually satiated by another source. That too is cold, IMO, but no less real. This is an issue a few of my clients discussed openly during our time together, leaving little room to doubt that they knew exactly what they were doing and how it undermined their wives’ efforts to exert control.

Marriage also relates to prostitution in that women are oftentimes driven to this line of work after being abandoned by their husbands, especially when he was the sole breadwinner and she lacks a work history or any useful job skills. Many, if not most, of the escorts I knew had been married, and subsequently divorced, and many have children to support. When men refuse to pay child support on a regular basis, women have to rely on other means to bring in income. Some women whom I met lost the support of their family due to them aligning on the side of the husband, leaving her to fend for her children and herself on her own. Others don’t have family to speak of or turn to. Many of us were left with the bulk of the mutually-accumulated debt when our husbands decided to move on. Listing the debts in the divorce decree does little in terms of collecting on that debt unless you have the funds to track him down and sue him in civil court (as I understood it anyway). But then too, some of us couldn’t afford to hire attorneys and instead relied on paralegal services where we completed the paperwork ourselves and were responsible for pushing the divorce documents through the required channels. It saves money but also makes the entire divorce procedure that much more confusing.

In my case, my ex was impossible to track down and serve, not that he ever agreed to sign the documents, preferring instead to tie up the process with motions for continuation in an effort to delay the divorce in hopes of making it more expensive for the one footing the entire bill. Thankfully the judge saw through this ruse and granted the divorce without him having to be present.

The bitterness born out of dealing with this bullshit is enough to make any woman want to swear off men, if only for a few years. But when pressed financially, dealing with men may be the only real option available. The question then becomes how to go about it so that you’re not stuck back in the same damn situation you just escaped. Prostitution made better sense than marriage after all of that.

But lots of women get divorced and not all turn to prostitution. Other forms of conditioning tend to be involved with influencing women, making prostitution more tolerable, or even exciting, than it otherwise might be. I’ll discuss my thoughts on all of that at a later date.

People sometimes ask me why it is that I chose to become involved with prostitution on the escort level. Well, let’s consider what constitutes freedom to choose first off.

In my situation, at 21 years old I found myself separated from my husband (married at age 18 ) and up in the Midwest looking for work after experiencing economic hardships living in the Deep South. After alternating between living with a friend and in my truck, a family member invited my husband and I (though we were in the process of separating) to come stay for a while. My husband lasted a month before returning to our home state, leaving me to my own devices in the Midwest (more on him later though). The man I was invited to move in with was my ex-stepfather, a man whom I had never been on good terms with and was for the first time attempting to establish a decent relationship with now that my mother was out of the picture (another topic for another time). Considering we had lived apart for almost a decade and had never truly known one another in a positive light, the living situation was tense and uncomfortable, to say the least. However, my stepfather’s acknowledgment during that period of wrongdoings in the past, when I was just a child, creates hesitation in me now to explain the true nature of our relationship. He has tried, in his own way, to apologize and in some ways make up for our past problems, and while forgiveness is difficult to dole out, I was desperate at that juncture and agreed to take up his offer of a place to stay.

During those months, between October and May, I held full-time employment, but as is the situation for lots of people these days, was still unable to cover all of my bills. I could pay for the truck (that my husband had insisted on us buying) and the insurance and whatnot, but did not have enough left over to even consider moving out and paying rent and utilities elsewhere. The truck, unfortunately, was upside-down in value, due to the customary decline in value and also damaged from an accident that hadn’t been repaired (no $500 for the deductible), so trading it in or selling it wasn’t an option. Allowing it to be repossessed left me with no vehicle, and therefore no way to get to work. C’est la vie…

After months of battling internally with the realization that if I took a second job, I’d likely still be unable to cover all of the bills (since these positions were only paying $7.50-$8/hr.) and would hinder my chances of getting back in school (after having already completed 1.5 years approximately). Schooling was my best chance for upward mobility, and the best shot any woman has at relieving herself from financial dependence on a man, so I was careful to explore all available options to ensure they wouldn’t create further setbacks.

Somewhere throughout this time period, I stumbled across the idea of “dating” for a living. How I arrived at this option isn’t clear to me even now, except to suggest that it’s an option that lurks in the back of the mind of any woman facing financial peril. So, I picked up a copy of the book “Working: My Life As a Prostitute” by Dolores French in order to explore the realm of prostitution by the pen of a woman that openly embraces her involvement with this profession. And I supplemented this learning with a copy of “Prostitution: On Whores, Hustlers, and Johns” by James Elias, Vern L. Bullough, Veronica Elias, and Gwen Brewer, while also scouring the internet for information on how one goes about it. Mostly I came across sites of escorts living in southern California and Texas, many of whom charge quite a large amount and are truly gorgeous, and it was difficult to see myself as comparable. They gave the appearance of being new-age courtesans, a rank I didn’t feel was realistic to aspire to. Regardless, I spent time looking over their sites, paying attention to how they worded their services so as to avoid admitting any illegal activities. But again, this didn’t answer the question as to how a person goes about becoming involved in the first place. There didn’t appear, during my initial searches, to be an online escort presence in the Midwest.

After two months of reading the books and sites, all the while continuing to work for an employer that I despised (damn, she was difficult to please) and living with my ex-stepfather, I brought my idea to others. Why? Well, because I take everything back to my people, to put it plainly. The risk of judgment aside, I knew that certain family members and friends could appreciate the situation I found myself in and would likely give me objective feedback. (I know, crazy thought, right?) After consulting with my grandma and ex-stepdad on my plans, and receiving very different albeit relatively supportive feedback (to be discussed another time), I felt confident enough to go forward with exploring this option. I had to tell him because I was staying under his roof, and I told my grandma because she is my bestfriend, and neither put up much of an argument to the contrary. How odd, I think now.

Anyway, so not knowing how to begin and being afraid to make the leap, for obvious reasons (threats of violence, concerns about being exposed to drug pushers and users, etc.), I procrastinated for a week or more until one night, with a very heavy heart that most can’t imagine unless in that situation, I went out to a small tavern where I knew no one, determined to make enough money to cover my phone bill (the phone must stay on if you’re to find and keep a job these days).  I walked right up to the best-dressed man in the place, which means he was wearing a sweater that wasn’t tattered, sat next to him, and later accompanied him to his home, all without mentioning my motivation. That is, until I reached his apartment and he was trying to kiss and grab at me and I just blurted it out and winced, waiting for a negative reaction. Lucky for me, aside from being a professor at a local university, this man was no stranger to seeing “bar gals”, mostly Mexican women that didn’t/couldn’t ask for much in terms of fees. We then set in to haggling, me starting at around $75 and him at $40, with us meeting in the middle at $60 for a 20-minute romp and 2-hour conversation that followed. During that conversation is when he suggested that I instead try my luck on run-of-the-mill dating sites, like yahoo personals, with a slightly suggestive ad to lure in prospective clients. And this is how it all began.

Within a month, I had designed my own site and discovered a few sites in the Midwestern escort link. After six months, I knew most of the major sites to advertise on and was earning a lot more than was ever originally expected. A year in, I was fairly established and on my way to creating a solid reputation while enjoying my work for the most part. Then five years went by and now here I stand, semi-retired, deciding where to go from here.

So, while in the end I wound up on a better rung of the ladder (if you can call it that – I earned less than many other escorts because I preferred to see fewer clients), I started at a sleezy bar as a 21-year-old girl with little idea of what was to come. Thanks to internet access, coupled with my desire to teach myself web design, I was able to reach a larger market with time. With greater exposure along with entry in the “circles” (sites, forums, private online groups), I was able to become more discerning as time went on, a luxury not afforded to the vast majority of prostitutes. I have no disillusions about my experience being rather atypical in the grand scheme of things, though regardless of where we may fall along the ladder (hierarchy of prostitution), the services provided and subsequent treatment by society remain similar.

Some ask, how does a woman come to consider prostitution a viable option? To which I answer: by being married first. Few women want to hear this, but the reality as I saw it at that time was I could be dependent on one man (as I was with my husband since he earned 2/3 of our income) or spread my dependence out to many, providing myself more freedom by not being attached to any one in particular, and thereby being allowed to live my life as I saw fit.

Great theory, and it worked for a good while, but then the other realities catch up with you, and it’s not uncommon for a woman to grow dependent on the industry in such a way that it’s very difficult to leave. Not simply because it’s “easy money” (that’s debatable in and of itself), but because the regular job market is extremely competitive and wages from only one income is becoming more and more tough for a person to sustain him/herself on, if not downright impossible in many cases, particularly for the uneducated. Women with children (as is the majority of other prostitutes I knew) are in an especially troubling situation, and even when they are able to secure a good job, moonlighting is generally required to bridge the economic gap.

But how does that relate with marriage? Well, I’ll have to tackle that topic another night. I will say that marriage can in some cases serve to condition you, though in my case it did more to set fire under my ass, refusing to put all of my eggs in one basket ever again, so to speak.

Quoted from the Rage Against the Man-chine blog:

Men are just as affected by our bizarre cultural expectations and prescriptions for female sexuality as women are. Two millenniums’ worth of Judeo-Christian bullshit about the dual nature of woman has left some strange legacies behind. We’re stuck in a strange tornado of expectations; we’ve all absorbed the message that a “good” woman is chaste, demure, and pure, but men still want to have sex with women. That leads to some serious cognitive dissonance. Natural desires + repressive expectations = hostility and fear about those desires, which gets misplaced onto the object of those desires. So women who do what they are expected to are prized but also denigrated as prudes, and those who don’t are prized as objects of desire but also reviled and devalued for their transgressions. If men were able to identify with women as human beings with complex desires and motivations like themselves, it wouldn’t be possible for this dichotomy to continue. It wouldn’t be possible for women to be divided into the two rigid categories of whore or wife material.

I find this part of her posting particularly interesting, and true. Now, porn aside (since that’s not my arena), prostitution/escorting can be described in the same way.

I’ve oftentimes wondered why it is that I apparently don’t have what it takes to be a wife, but am instead relegated to the category of whore indefinitely. What is it about the wives that is so enchanting and wonderful that they are given higher status, yet at the same time, the male clients/husbands continue to see girls like me? Why would a man want both “types” of women in his life, and why should he feel entitled to have just that? If the wife is prized for being prudent and relatively chaste, then why continue to punish her by sleeping with other women? If she’s behaving in a way that truly pleases her husband, why isn’t he grateful enough to remain dedicated and faithful to her?

Yes, I do know the answer to these questions, but I have to wonder if most men do as well. Do they comprehend how self-serving this dichotomy truly is? Do they stop to think about what would happen if they impregnated another woman or contracted an STD to bring home unwittingly to their partners?

Perhaps what should really be discussed here isn’t a comparison between the wives and whores but instead their daughters versus whores, since we’re usually in the same age category, IME. Many of my clients had daughters very near my age, give or take a couple of years, and I have to wonder what is it about her, if anything, that places her at a higher social status where she receives protection from the very reality her father brings to me? The men tell me about how wonderful, smart, and attractive their daughters are and how proud they are of them, and I can’t help but experience a pang of jealousy. Why? Well, I guess because it’s a foreign concept to me, the idea of being offered that sort of protection from the elements (namely, older men). I assume it’s for no other reason than the fact that she “belongs” to him is why she receives this special treatment, where as I’m of no blood relation and thereby left to my own defenses.

It has always struck me as odd that so many men desire women the age of their daughters. From my experience, many of the men coming into the adult industry in search of a prostitute the first time (unless they are military-affiliated) are usually in their mid to late 30s. The vast majority of my clients ranged from age 40-60, with daughters generally 18-30 years of age. The women they choose to see tends to correspond with this age group and I’ve paused many times to wonder why. Something sinister certainly appears to be taking place beneath the surface of some of these men. Are most just able to separate themselves and their family members from our little sexual escapades? I’d say not since so many felt the need to bring their family members up during our meetings. If the last thing you want is to draw a correlation between your own 23 year old daughter and your 24 year old escort, then why would you mention your daughter to your escort? Why would you tell me about your daughter’s upcoming wedding to a man you like a good bit, or mention where your daughter attends college?

Now, if you ask me, it smacks of arrogance to even be mentioning your kids in that setting. Is it for no other reason but to further prove that you can do and say whatever you wish without any concern for possible ramifications? Some would say it’s because we create a “safe space” where they can share who they are and open up, but that doesn’t add up. Toward the end, while burning out on the industry, I would occasionally remind those clients whom I knew well that I am indeed a young woman, every bit as vulnerable as their own daughters. I regularly spoke of my schooling and life ambitions, and a few knew that I came from a fairly rough background. And yet, these reminders were often met with silence or attempts to smooth me over and convince me (and perhaps themselves) that I was actually far more mature than my biological age suggested. But what does that mean?? That I cease to be young and vulnerable because I have lived this life and have been forced to grow up more quickly? Are they truly able to separate me (and others like me) from their own daughters, seeing one group as deserving of husbands to care for them and the other as playmates that don’t get to participate in the romantic realm of dating and marriage? I don’t understand.

If one is young and the other is young, it would seem they would both deserve to be afforded the same treatment and concern. Why is one protected and sheltered while the other is used for sex? I am somebody’s daughter too, ya know.

Eh… these are questions I know the answers to but hate to face. It sucks beyond words to be placed in the “others” box where despite our similarities, it is deemed acceptable that people like me be treated as so. Does everyone need an “other” to use as a comparison tool to judge themselves? Does the daughter cease to be considered pure and wholesome when there’s no whore of the same age to compare her to?

Just some useless rambling that serves no real purpose. It’s time to head to class.