Quoted from the Rage Against the Man-chine blog:
Men are just as affected by our bizarre cultural expectations and prescriptions for female sexuality as women are. Two millenniums’ worth of Judeo-Christian bullshit about the dual nature of woman has left some strange legacies behind. We’re stuck in a strange tornado of expectations; we’ve all absorbed the message that a “good” woman is chaste, demure, and pure, but men still want to have sex with women. That leads to some serious cognitive dissonance. Natural desires + repressive expectations = hostility and fear about those desires, which gets misplaced onto the object of those desires. So women who do what they are expected to are prized but also denigrated as prudes, and those who don’t are prized as objects of desire but also reviled and devalued for their transgressions. If men were able to identify with women as human beings with complex desires and motivations like themselves, it wouldn’t be possible for this dichotomy to continue. It wouldn’t be possible for women to be divided into the two rigid categories of whore or wife material.
I find this part of her posting particularly interesting, and true. Now, porn aside (since that’s not my arena), prostitution/escorting can be described in the same way.
I’ve oftentimes wondered why it is that I apparently don’t have what it takes to be a wife, but am instead relegated to the category of whore indefinitely. What is it about the wives that is so enchanting and wonderful that they are given higher status, yet at the same time, the male clients/husbands continue to see girls like me? Why would a man want both “types” of women in his life, and why should he feel entitled to have just that? If the wife is prized for being prudent and relatively chaste, then why continue to punish her by sleeping with other women? If she’s behaving in a way that truly pleases her husband, why isn’t he grateful enough to remain dedicated and faithful to her?
Yes, I do know the answer to these questions, but I have to wonder if most men do as well. Do they comprehend how self-serving this dichotomy truly is? Do they stop to think about what would happen if they impregnated another woman or contracted an STD to bring home unwittingly to their partners?
Perhaps what should really be discussed here isn’t a comparison between the wives and whores but instead their daughters versus whores, since we’re usually in the same age category, IME. Many of my clients had daughters very near my age, give or take a couple of years, and I have to wonder what is it about her, if anything, that places her at a higher social status where she receives protection from the very reality her father brings to me? The men tell me about how wonderful, smart, and attractive their daughters are and how proud they are of them, and I can’t help but experience a pang of jealousy. Why? Well, I guess because it’s a foreign concept to me, the idea of being offered that sort of protection from the elements (namely, older men). I assume it’s for no other reason than the fact that she “belongs” to him is why she receives this special treatment, where as I’m of no blood relation and thereby left to my own defenses.
It has always struck me as odd that so many men desire women the age of their daughters. From my experience, many of the men coming into the adult industry in search of a prostitute the first time (unless they are military-affiliated) are usually in their mid to late 30s. The vast majority of my clients ranged from age 40-60, with daughters generally 18-30 years of age. The women they choose to see tends to correspond with this age group and I’ve paused many times to wonder why. Something sinister certainly appears to be taking place beneath the surface of some of these men. Are most just able to separate themselves and their family members from our little sexual escapades? I’d say not since so many felt the need to bring their family members up during our meetings. If the last thing you want is to draw a correlation between your own 23 year old daughter and your 24 year old escort, then why would you mention your daughter to your escort? Why would you tell me about your daughter’s upcoming wedding to a man you like a good bit, or mention where your daughter attends college?
Now, if you ask me, it smacks of arrogance to even be mentioning your kids in that setting. Is it for no other reason but to further prove that you can do and say whatever you wish without any concern for possible ramifications? Some would say it’s because we create a “safe space” where they can share who they are and open up, but that doesn’t add up. Toward the end, while burning out on the industry, I would occasionally remind those clients whom I knew well that I am indeed a young woman, every bit as vulnerable as their own daughters. I regularly spoke of my schooling and life ambitions, and a few knew that I came from a fairly rough background. And yet, these reminders were often met with silence or attempts to smooth me over and convince me (and perhaps themselves) that I was actually far more mature than my biological age suggested. But what does that mean?? That I cease to be young and vulnerable because I have lived this life and have been forced to grow up more quickly? Are they truly able to separate me (and others like me) from their own daughters, seeing one group as deserving of husbands to care for them and the other as playmates that don’t get to participate in the romantic realm of dating and marriage? I don’t understand.
If one is young and the other is young, it would seem they would both deserve to be afforded the same treatment and concern. Why is one protected and sheltered while the other is used for sex? I am somebody’s daughter too, ya know.
Eh… these are questions I know the answers to but hate to face. It sucks beyond words to be placed in the “others” box where despite our similarities, it is deemed acceptable that people like me be treated as so. Does everyone need an “other” to use as a comparison tool to judge themselves? Does the daughter cease to be considered pure and wholesome when there’s no whore of the same age to compare her to?
Just some useless rambling that serves no real purpose. It’s time to head to class.
Newsvine
wakemenow said
Reading this again many months later, it’s obvious I was still in the tail-end of my “angry at escorting” phase. It lasted probably a couple of years in full, reaching its apex in 2007 before simmering down throughout 2008. My tone’s not quite the same at this moment and the cynicism has tempered off. Yes, we create a safe space where men are (hopefully) comfortable to express themselves freely. And yes, that does regularly include talk of their personal lives. I would never fault a client for sharing with me, not even about his kids. Though it was sometimes weird, as you could imagine, particularly when their kids were roughly my age.
My gripe wasn’t with necessarily desiring protection over the last few years but before that, before any inkling of prostitution, back when I was a minor and the unfortunate target of predatory older men. My grandfather was the strong male figure in my life, but he couldn’t be around for much of it, partly because I lived up north on and off.
An early occurrence involved a 70+-year-old man who owned the gas station beside my school and befriended me at age 14. That technically was the first time someone put money in my pocket (though no, sex did not occur – thank god) as a reward for “submitting” to being touched. (More like in a shocked, frozen daze.) I came home and told a family member but was warned to keep it to myself for fear of word getting out. Very uncomfortable and aggravating, to say the least.
Or what about the numerous middle-aged men that hung around the young people joints, usually supplying drugs on occasion, who could pick me out in an instant as vulnerable and alone? Man, there were a lot of bad memories in that space of maybe 1.5 years while living up north, part of the time with a friend’s family and the rest living alone in my first apartment. Sweet 16. I probably lost more innocence that year living at the mercy of others, poor, without transportation, learning how to care for myself and working two jobs. Easy pickings. Plenty of us were. By us, I’m referring to the other teens I met along the way, many of whom were runaways. We tended to congregate at a coffee house downtown, and so too did the weird, middle-aged guys when they weren’t at the strip club down the way.
Decent men would have been nice back then. A true fathering type instead of those playing up to you, earning your trust, only to want to use you for their own sexual desires. Kinda hard to keep that separated from modern life at times, hence the aggression underlying my earlier cynicism. Sometimes I get to wondering if they aren’t all the same and that the only real variable is opportunity. It’s not entirely baseless to arrive at this conclusion when you have so many negative past experiences. But…while I sometimes get aggravated with prostitution and men in general, my experiences overall in the last 7 years have been a great improvement over the anguish and pain of the teenage years. But how do you shed that sort of damage? You don’t. Not completely. Skepticism towards men became the norm and that’s where prostitution creates a duality. On one hand, it rekindled my appreciation for men’s company, but on the other hand, it jaded me further in my concerns about unfaithful partners in my own personal relationships.
It ceased being a job and became a lifestyle, and I struggled with accepting this a couple years back. I wanted out for fear of ruining my future opportunities in terms of career options and personal romance. A “normal” life became the greener grass I longed for. What may seem weird is my clients all pretty much live those “normal” lives. Most of them had 2 or 3 kids, nice houses in good neighborhoods, newer vehicles, college degrees with accounts to finance their kids’ education, and wives they regarded as good mothers. Just “normal” people with friends, families, obligations and mortgages.
We differ on this, and over time I began to wonder what made them think they were so doggone special. Then enters the discussions about their daughters, which usually remains brief. Quick mentions of where she’s going to school or how her and the fiancee are coming in for a visit or whatever. No big deal. The weirdness comes when I pressed the envelope and asked questions and they say something like “I’d want better for my daughter” in reference to being an escort. It’s like “then why are you even here?” Or is it just okay for me and not for them? What makes people automatically assume that my life is so horrible? Sure, life hasn’t always been a cakewalk but this profession has helped me in countless ways and isn’t the source of my problems. It sometimes exacerbates problems that already exist, but much of this is due to societal stigma and the men not doing much to alleviate it with attitudes like that expressed above. It just makes me wonder why, if they wouldn’t want their own daughter to “endure” something like this, would they continue to patronize other young ladies themselves? That’s when you know you’re not on the same “tier” apparently.
Some of it may be jealousy, but in all honesty, I don’t want their lives. Mine may be nuts, but it’s mine to live as I see fit. My principles and philosophy doesn’t match up with their lifestyles generally, and I don’t see the point of living in secrecy (except maybe in extreme circumstances). Besides, I understand (intellectually anyways) that their daughters aren’t necessarily any better off than me. Sometimes it may seem like they are just because things are looking down over here, but we’re not in competition. Separate but equal.
Maybe the original post was more about my own insecurities than those of my clients. They have their own to tend to, but this one appears to be mine. But maybe not wanting to feel like and be treated as a “lower tier” person is a legitimate insecurity. Granted, the men were usually kind and appreciative, but underneath the charade lies the truth. Kind of like the elephant in the corner that no one cares to discuss. You leave it alone for so long until something happens, something goes wrong. Maybe a man hurts your feelings or comments on how you might like to lose 10 lbs. (UGH! So rude! Especially when plenty of them could stand to lose 50. Another time…) Follies like that opens you up to forming a bit of resentment. Men say the darnedest things! And that can rub a person the wrong way. In one sense, it probably has more to do with simply being female. That’s how plenty of men talk to the women in their lives on occasion (and often live to regret it). Do I take male superiority delusions too personally? Perhaps. In an intimate setting, even professionally, you can’t help but take things to heart. Still, the snobby, superficial bullshit implication that not only the man but also his family members are somehow elevated in status is a slap in the face that any ego would wince from.
That’s the trouble with pride…