My gripe wasn’t with necessarily desiring protection over the last few years but before that, before any inkling of prostitution, back when I was a minor and the unfortunate target of predatory older men. My grandfather was the strong male figure in my life, but he couldn’t be around for much of it, partly because I lived up north on and off.

An early occurrence involved a 70+-year-old man who owned the gas station beside my school and befriended me at age 14. That technically was the first time someone put money in my pocket (though no, sex did not occur – thank god) as a reward for “submitting” to being touched. (More like in a shocked, frozen daze.) I came home and told a family member but was warned to keep it to myself for fear of word getting out. Very uncomfortable and aggravating, to say the least.

Or what about the numerous middle-aged men that hung around the young people joints, usually supplying drugs on occasion, who could pick me out in an instant as vulnerable and alone? Man, there were a lot of bad memories in that space of maybe 1.5 years while living up north, part of the time with a friend’s family and the rest living alone in my first apartment. Sweet 16. I probably lost more innocence that year living at the mercy of others, poor, without transportation, learning how to care for myself and working two jobs. Easy pickings. Plenty of us were. By us, I’m referring to the other teens I met along the way, many of whom were runaways. We tended to congregate at a coffee house downtown, and so too did the weird, middle-aged guys when they weren’t at the strip club down the way.

Decent men would have been nice back then. A true fathering type instead of those playing up to you, earning your trust, only to want to use you for their own sexual desires. Kinda hard to keep that separated from modern life at times, hence the aggression underlying my earlier cynicism. Sometimes I get to wondering if they aren’t all the same and that the only real variable is opportunity. It’s not entirely baseless to arrive at this conclusion when you have so many negative past experiences. But…while I sometimes get aggravated with prostitution and men in general, my experiences overall in the last 7 years have been a great improvement over the anguish and pain of the teenage years. But how do you shed that sort of damage? You don’t. Not completely. Skepticism towards men became the norm and that’s where prostitution creates a duality. On one hand, it rekindled my appreciation for men’s company, but on the other hand, it jaded me further in my concerns about unfaithful partners in my own personal relationships.

It ceased being a job and became a lifestyle, and I struggled with accepting this a couple years back. I wanted out for fear of ruining my future opportunities in terms of career options and personal romance. A “normal” life became the greener grass I longed for. What may seem weird is my clients all pretty much live those “normal” lives. Most of them had 2 or 3 kids, nice houses in good neighborhoods, newer vehicles, college degrees with accounts to finance their kids’ education, and wives they regarded as good mothers. Just “normal” people with friends, families, obligations and mortgages.

We differ on this, and over time I began to wonder what made them think they were so doggone special. Then enters the discussions about their daughters, which usually remains brief. Quick mentions of where she’s going to school or how her and the fiancee are coming in for a visit or whatever. No big deal. The weirdness comes when I pressed the envelope and asked questions and they say something like “I’d want better for my daughter” in reference to being an escort. It’s like “then why are you even here?” Or is it just okay for me and not for them? What makes people automatically assume that my life is so horrible? Sure, life hasn’t always been a cakewalk but this profession has helped me in countless ways and isn’t the source of my problems. It sometimes exacerbates problems that already exist, but much of this is due to societal stigma and the men not doing much to alleviate it with attitudes like that expressed above. It just makes me wonder why, if they wouldn’t want their own daughter to “endure” something like this, would they continue to patronize other young ladies themselves? That’s when you know you’re not on the same “tier” apparently.

Some of it may be jealousy, but in all honesty, I don’t want their lives. Mine may be nuts, but it’s mine to live as I see fit. My principles and philosophy doesn’t match up with their lifestyles generally, and I don’t see the point of living in secrecy (except maybe in extreme circumstances). Besides, I understand (intellectually anyways) that their daughters aren’t necessarily any better off than me. Sometimes it may seem like they are just because things are looking down over here, but we’re not in competition. Separate but equal.

Maybe the original post was more about my own insecurities than those of my clients. They have their own to tend to, but this one appears to be mine. But maybe not wanting to feel like and be treated as a “lower tier” person is a legitimate insecurity. Granted, the men were usually kind and appreciative, but underneath the charade lies the truth. Kind of like the elephant in the corner that no one cares to discuss. You leave it alone for so long until something happens, something goes wrong. Maybe a man hurts your feelings or comments on how you might like to lose 10 lbs. (UGH! So rude! Especially when plenty of them could stand to lose 50. Another time…) Follies like that opens you up to forming a bit of resentment. Men say the darnedest things! And that can rub a person the wrong way. In one sense, it probably has more to do with simply being female. That’s how plenty of men talk to the women in their lives on occasion (and often live to regret it). Do I take male superiority delusions too personally? Perhaps. In an intimate setting, even professionally, you can’t help but take things to heart. Still, the snobby, superficial bullshit implication that not only the man but also his family members are somehow elevated in status is a slap in the face that any ego would wince from.

That’s the trouble with pride…