In “The Politics of Reality”, Marilyn Frye writes:
For some exploiters, the combination of the work they want done and the milieu of power in which they operate permits them the inefficiencies wrought by the disabling and annihilative effects of oppression; they may have an endless supply of humans to convert to workers, and the work may be such as can be done by someone in shackles and/or totally dispirited. But in many cases a relative shortage of workers, the expense of training them, the need for employment of workers’ talents and intelligence, and sometimes (perversely enough) the exploiter’s personal attachment to the exploited, make such inefficiency unsatisfactory. Efficient exploitation of “human resources” requires that the structures that refer the others’ actions to the exploiter’s ends must extend beneath the victim’s skin. The exploiter has to bring about the partial disintegration and re(mis)integration of the others’ matter, parts and properties so that as organized systems the exploited are oriented to some degree by habits, skills, schedules, values and tastes to the exploiter’s ends rather than, as they would otherwise be, to the ends of their own . . . What the exploiter needs is that the will and intelligence of the victim be disengaged from the projects of resistance and escape but that they not be simply broken or destroyed. Ideally, the dis-integration and mis-integration of the victim should accomplish the detachment of the victim’s will and intelligence from the victim’s own interest and their attachment to the interests of the exploiter.
. . . With that, the situation transcends the initial paradigmatic form or structure of coercion; for if the people don’t mind doing what you want them to do, then, in a sense, you can’t really be making them do it. (Emphasis hers)
These paragraphs jumped off the page while reading during my lunch break today. This essay is useful in explaining the very topic I’d like to speak on next: why a number of prostitutes not only defend but also express enthusiasm about their positions despite much of what it entails.
Conditioning of the Future Prostitute
It feels strange looking back on the years leading up to joining prostitution, not because I didn’t realize my life lessons could lead to the level of tolerance needed to become a prostitute but because in fact I was aware, albeit sub-consciously. I remember joking to my clients and friends on many occasions about how I’d essentially been groomed for this line of work, and now what once seemed humorous has led to this ironical epiphany as to the nature of our society and how girls are brought up and socialized within it. What once was taken for granted and accepted as a typical “rite of passage” into female adulthood experienced by plenty of girls and young women, both past and present, now leaves me feeling angry, resentful, frustrated, embittered, and bewildered at the incredible extent of damage these events cause to the female psyche. Not just to my own, but in many women I’ve met, both in and out of the prostitution realm.
While it’s repeated with disgusting regularity that “it’s a man’s world” and plenty of us are brought up being taught that resistance is futile, the wounds shared with women met along the way represented the only real bond to other women that I had (and have) ever experienced. These painful experiences, often at the hands of or as a result of men, practically became like a badge of honor that told others that I too had come to understand the realities of “my place” in society, and in that we (as “broken” women) had some measure of camaraderie and compassion for one another. Coming into womanhood became synonymous with learning to toughen up and smile in the face of senseless tragedy, over and over again. To be a “real” woman was to learn to not dwell on your past or to direct too much blame at men as a category.
Well, I was never that good at hiding my pain or accepting the life lessons that came my way at such a tender age were simply due to forces of nature or challenges from a god and therefore were “just a part of life” and “growing up” that we all experience and can’t escape. To a point I had to accept that explanation since it was the only one offered, but it never set well with me. When I’d cry and beg others (males and females) for advice on how to avoid these tragic events, the solution was always said to lie within me as an individual not in society as a whole. To continue to draw attention to the injustices serves to drive a wedge between myself and others, as it has to this day, but ah well… I’m unwilling to accept that each individual young girl is responsible for all that comes her way, especially as it relates to her relations with grown men.
So, how does a young woman come to see herself as prostitute-material, and why is this option appealing to some who join the profession? Well, I remember after a couple of years in the profession telling a client that women don’t just turn to prostitution for no good reason, not in our current social and political climate, not unless she’s mad. Some would say that that statement is unfounded and presumptuous, and perhaps it is, but it’s what I’ve come to believe. Certainly we each came into this for a variety of reasons, and I can’t (and won’t) claim to speak for others, but I will give my own assessment of what was personally experienced and witnessed from my own perspective in conjunction with what was related to me by other women.
From here on out, I’ll exclude financial desperation from this discussion even though it can and does play a major role, since that alone is not generally sufficient to draw a woman toward becoming a prostitute on what most of us considered “our own volition.”
Of those I spoke with over the years, one thing we had in common, almost universally, was that we were sexualized in one way or another at very young ages. That may take the form of being outright sexually abused, but that’s not the only way it occurs, and outside of those joining on the street-level it’s said to be a lesser concern. (Since I did not work on the street-level, I’ll stick with that which is known to me and leave the speculating into the lives of street-walkers for someone with direct experience working within that capacity.)
For many of us it entailed becoming sexually active at very young ages and being exposed to and exploited by older men. Teenage girls being coerced or encouraged to engage in sex with older men is nothing new, but times have changed and the way in which it is carried out has as well. Young girls are taught that being sexually desirable is ideal, but the attention it garners from older men is problematic, and for those without protection from the manipulations of men, the events that transpire can be life-changing. For girls lacking resources and family support, it isn’t difficult to find yourself at the mercy of these older men, relying on and trusting them to provide for your care to at least some extent with sex expected in trade. (More on this in a moment.)
It also doesn’t help that since the advent of the so-called “MTV generation” we as a society blatantly promote the sexualizing of still younger females, which has snowballed since the 1980s to shameless pandering to junior high and elementary-aged audiences today. But more on that in a future post.
We are a society that for whatever reason has come to value casual sex immensely. Combine that with the explicit sexualizing of our girls and young women and guess who becomes a prime target? As if girls and young women weren’t targeted already, we now have the compounding issue of this appearing perfectly acceptable by the masses and parents in particular. Ugh. Gag me.
It’s so hard not to digress on this topic since so many factors play into why women ultimately decide that prostitution is a viable alternative, but that’s the main point: it is an alternative to something else deemed worse. I’ve asked people in the past to stop and think about what it means when a woman says that her life as a prostitute is SO MUCH BETTER than whatever came prior. (For myself this was certainly the case.) What that should tell a person about the kind of life experiences a prostitute faced prior to “joining the ranks” is it was no cakewalk because the role of prostitute, in our current social and political climate (the context is essential here), is NOT a role most women willingly aspire to. Sex and money aside, just think about the ridicule and mistreatment you face from others in day-to-day life in the event that they uncover your secret. And IT IS a secret because to admit openly that this is what you choose to do with yourself, whether presently or previously, is to face social ostracism, being fired from your “real” job, possibly/probably losing custody of your children, and being treated as less than human (lower than a dog, as I’ve heard it put). Now what about that sounds like something the average, ordinary gal would want to take on?
Bring it back to the sex now. We don’t all agree to do anything and everything with anyone who happens to offer money, and we tend to take it personally when people assume this is true. Just like any other line of work, there are niche markets that particular women cater to, such as kink and BDSM. With that said, however, even with a measure of choice, once behind closed doors you can’t be certain that your client will respect those boundaries. Sometimes, and I’m going to claim it occurs often enough to keep the women nervous, the men overpower you and do what they wish. Sometimes there is violence. Not all the time, but hell, that’s not saying much. What does happen regularly, as many working women have attested to in our private groups, is that men like to “play ignorant” and try shit on us just to see if they can get away with it. An example that comes to mind is grabbing the woman’s hair/head and shoving her face into his lap more roughly than he ought to, basically forcing deeper oral penetration, then pretending it was an accident (that’s oh-so-common). Gagged by dick is never fun for anyone. Or how about the client trying to slide the condom off inconspicuously during sex so that he can enjoy sex sans barrier, showing zero regard for our health and well-being (we collectively bitch about this bullshit tactic on an almost daily basis!).
And yet, we take it in stride and even profess to love our jobs. Why? Well, it beats the alternative, I’ll tell you that! If what you’ve known prior is worse or more degrading, then this reality doesn’t seem so bad. In fact, it’s way better because now you’re paid (even handsomely) for putting up with the ways of men and have some measure of choice and autonomy that wasn’t afforded to you in the past. I still struggle inside with the concept of my job doing me a disservice for that very reason, and those years involved in “the industry” continue to be some of the best years of my life. But that’s not saying much, is it?
On the one hand I want to defend prostitution and say that it’s a viable option for a woman in need, assuming you have the right temperament, and then I pause and think about that. The right temperament? Oh, you mean worn down sufficiently to put up with men’s bullshit without taking it to heart? You mean tolerant of the idea that men have created what amounts to a new-age “boys club” where they share stories about the women they fuck and you just happen to be on the list with all of the gory, exaggerated details splayed out there for the masses to access and ridicule? You mean keeping a stiff upper lip when they gripe about their wives not doing enough to fulfill his needs or not maintaining her figure as she “ought” to? So basically, the “right temperament” really entails possessing the ability to shut yourself off to the reality of the situation, which is that by-and-large the men do not respect women (or perhaps even themselves) and feel a sense of entitlement to do whatever they please by virtue of being born male. Oh, and being able to schmooze and build them up, stroking that ego so they can go on feeling justified in doing what it is they do. (Not that they really need you to build them up, mind you. If you won’t, someone else will.)
What amount of conditioning is necessary to create the type of woman that not only goes along with this male-centered plan but who also claims to be supportive of its agenda? I can’t speak for others obviously, but I’ll try to explain what led me there in the next part of this series.
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wakemenow said
Rereading this for the first time since posting it, the venom is obvious. That’s how I felt at the time, but strangely enough, I tend to cycle back and forth in my “love/dislike” relationship with prostitution and my clients. Attempting to generalize my experiences (as I did above) ignores the many kind, unwed clients that I met, some of whom I’ve become close platonic friends with. Some of the best people I’ve met were clients of mine at one point. On the flipside, some of the worst people I’ve met were NOT clients but instead people I came into contact with through other venues. None of my clients resembled satan or behaved in an extremely malicious fashion toward me. Most weren’t sadistic or even terribly cold and distant. My group was comprised of a bunch of jovial fellas for the most part.
The men I met elsewhere were the ones who inflicted the most damage, and I think this needs to be noted. My issues with men were actually alleviated so far as my clients go. More on this some other time…