…just don’t know what to say about it at this time. I’m still chewing over the details, reflecting back, calming down, and analyzing that part of my life. It was an odd experience, to say the least, but certainly not one I regret. However weird that might sound to some people.
When a person is unwilling to repent, the public doesn’t tend to look kindly on them. To that I say “fuck the public then.” That’s the majority of the problem surrounding prostitution: the stigma toward the prostitutes (both male and female) but leniency or even outright acceptance of the men who see prostitutes (read: military bases throughout U.S. history). The hypocrisy is maddening. And when a woman does leave prostitution, society refuses to let her “live down” that part of her life, whether she “repents” or not. Ever-cling stigma! Kiss any high ranking positions or political ambitions goodbye if that secret ever gets out (but then again, I knew that going into it). You think you can comprehend this concept of lifelong stigma at age 21 or 18, but how can you?
What if you don’t believe sex between two (or more) consenting adults should be a crime? But what if you also believe that prostitution, as it is currently carried out in a patriarchal society, is extremely problematic? What then? I have no problem with prostitution in theory, but as it is currently practiced, especially when it involves unwilling or underage people as it too often does, it’s far from ideal. My problem isn’t with prostitution but how society treats it. If it’s relegated to the bottom rung of our social hierarchy, that’s a problem (which it is). If it’s used to enslave unwilling participants or as a target for violence, that is a huge problem. If it’s used to undermine women’s power and social standing, that’s fucked up. And it is. But it doesn’t have to be that way always.
In my opinion, how the prostitutes are treated in any given society is a reflection of how much they value women in general.
So, anyway, I’m still coming to terms with everything. My overall experience wasn’t negative, and I remember many of my clients fondly. It’s an intimate profession that tends to attract caregiver-types (lots of nurses, I noticed), which fit well during that time in my life, providing an outlet where I could safely explore my softer side with others. Coming out of a marriage that ended on a nasty note, being able to connect with others in that fashion almost felt therapeutic (depending on the client, of course!). We had some good times.
But then reality sets in and you begin to see and hear what society thinks of people like you. You’re labeled as a criminal for a victimless misdemeanor. People say you’re a home-wrecker, a tramp, because their husbands looked you up online, contacted you via email, went through your screening process and booked a visit for casual sex and conversation. Most of us don’t want these men for ourselves, trust me. No matter how much we might like them as people. And most of us take contraceptive use seriously, not wanting to contract anything ourselves or ruin our reputations within our industry. We’re not trying to wreck anyone’s life here, just supplying a demand. Oh, but the men are lured by us, they say. Okay. Men are also lured by single (and sometimes married) women at bars too, with no money exchanged. Sometimes these grow into full-blown affairs. A man can only be lured if he allows himself to be, just the same as a woman. This is a disappointingly stubborn double-standard: when women cheat, it’s their fault; when men cheat, it’s because some tramp tempted them into doing so. Bullshit. Some men cheat simply because they can, as awful as that might be. The double-standard serves their interest, creating a scapegoat the cheating husband can point to when caught with his hand in the cookie jar.
That right there wore me out over time. The contempt toward us and tolerance toward the men who see us. It’s mind-boggling really. For those of us on the internet, we put up a site and/or ads and the men come to us. They seek us out, not the other way around. Once our names cross their radars, it’s just a matter of tempting them to choose one of us over the next girl. That’s the lure. Men don’t need to be tempted by us to seek out our services; they do so very well all on their own. And I cannot be responsible for the choices of other people.
While some men do cheat, others are in open marriages or swingers where seeing us isn’t considered being unfaithful to their spouse. Hell, some escorts even agree to see couples. All types of people come to see us, not just cheating husbands, though, admittedly, they were the majority of my clientele. Cheating isn’t cool with me either. I don’t believe in nor condone it, but that’s my personal morality. I don’t cheat on my partners and they were made aware of my profession upfront, right from the start. But that’s me, not everyone else. And when people cheat, it’s for a variety of reasons. Sometimes it’s just because they’re pricks on a power trip, but for others it’s more complicated than that. On some level, and to varying degrees, I did sympathize with the situation some of my clients had themselves in. But, again, judging your clients too harshly isn’t conducive to staying in business.
It goes without saying that I’ll be hashing out my feelings on this topic for many moons to come.
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Safiyyah said
So true! I have always believed that there is an element of prostitution in marriage. Although we don’t like to use that “ugly” word and call it that
How many women will stick around in a marriage where the husband isn’t providing the cash? (money for mortgage, food, clothing, other family needs, etc.) No money, no honey!
wakemenow said
I would agree with that. And yes, people get really uncomfortable when you bring it up. What is prostitution? Bare bones: the exchange of time that involves sexual activities of varying sorts for money. What is marriage? The decision to become the permanent companion of another, generally with express and exclusive sexual access being part of the deal on one or both ends and with the expectation that one or both partner will contribute financially, with men commonly delegated the primary financial contributor role. How much of a difference is that? One involves love and long-lasting commitment while the other is a casual sexual encounter; one being a business exchange and the other a contracted arrangement.
It really boils down to people offering their physical assets and companionship/personal involvement in exchange for valuable resources (like money, a nice home, love). In this and many other countries, one side of the “spectrum” is considered respectable and the other isn’t, but why? I wish people would ponder that a bit. Thanks for doing so already!