I tried lying down and reading a book, but it’s tough to concentrate tonight. I miss my family and just don’t feel all that well tonight.
My brother said tonight that he’s nervous about me moving abroad. That saddens me because I’m not looking to make them worry…I just want to see other places and travel some and see if maybe there aren’t better opportunities out there in the world for someone like me. Our government’s actions in recent years makes me uncomfortable, and besides, there isn’t much around here for me these days. The escort gig isn’t sustainable, which is what brought me to this town, and once the education is wrapped up I’ll be free to wander elsewhere. But I don’t know where to go from here or how I might get there.
I’m looking forward to going home to my family in the south for at least a few weeks to visit come November or December. The homesickness is tearing me up pretty bad these days. It’s been a year and a half since I’ve seen them and if I could leave tomorrow, I would. It just makes me nervous staying too close to them for fear of dragging my loved ones into my troubles. It’s one thing to target and harass me for my lifestyle and choices, but to put my family through that is unconscionable. They did their best with what they had and personally I don’t think they did that bad of a job, all things considered. They’re religious people who wouldn’t have chosen this sort of life for me. Hell, I wouldn’t have chosen it for myself had there appeared to be a better way. But whatever, I miss them and can’t wait to go home. I wish there were some way to be near them permanently, but it just doesn’t appear feasible at this point.
I don’t know. Maybe I’m making my own life unnecessarily difficult despite my good intentions. Maybe I’ll get off to another country and come to realize that my family means more than any of it, and I’ll want to come back and be with them instead. But there are no jobs in that town and I’m concerned about becoming a burden.
I just want to belong somewhere. This is such a lonely life out here by myself, but it’s not fair to inconvenience my loved ones by hanging around. They don’t agree with how I live, which is understandable, but what other options are there right now? I mean, this isn’t some form of rebellion; this is just a young woman trying to find her way in this world. Married life was my first preference, but once that failed, I didn’t know where else to go and didn’t want to run to the next man for financial help and protection. The aim wasn’t to shame those I care about or to turn myself into a joke. If anything, I felt like a joke and a burden to begin with, so this road didn’t bother me that much. It could have been worse, ya know?
The last ex would say I’m just feeling sorry for myself, and perhaps I am. But the wounds are real, so I’m not sure what to say on that. Just like most people, I desired a relatively normal life. While I’m not necessarily regretting what I have now, I just don’t know what to do with it. If I could rewind to the beginning and replay everything over again, there’s no way that I would. But I like to think there’s something here that can be salvaged, that maybe there’s a silver lining that will show itself over time. Maybe.
All I know is if I’m going to walk alone as I have been for so long now, there has to be some comfort to soften the edges. I’m still pretty young, ya know, and I hate to think that this is all life has to offer. No, I’m not referring to the blasted escorting – that’s far from my biggest beef – just life in general. I’m worn out inside and am having trouble lately getting it together so I can tackle the next hurdle. And I don’t like living so far away from my people. Maybe I’m afraid if I stay away too long, they’ll forget about me. Or what if I leave to travel and one of them comes down ill? God, I’d never forgive myself.
I just wanted to travel some. See the world a little. Go somewhere where currency stretches a little further. But maybe it’s just a pipe dream. I don’t know anymore. Grandma doesn’t know what to tell me because she knows the job outlook in her area and how discontent I usually am hanging around very long in such a tiny, boring town. The land where a reputation is passed down through generations and where no one is permitted to reinvent themselves. But that’s where my people are, so what do you do?
Maybe let the bank repossess the car and scrape together a savings to buy something cheaper without payments or comprehensive insurance requirements. But no, either way it would be too much to pack my things and attempt to relocate. The furniture and stuff will have to be sold to raise money for anything else. Plus, the student loans will come due soon enough, and the hospital called again yesterday about collecting on more debt. This just isn’t working and I’m running out of ideas and time.
If only we could all be happy and healthy and things would look up. How did we get to this point? I understand that this is how life goes…
Ugh. Enough. Tomorrow is another day, right?
And I just remembered. August 29th is the 3 year anniversary of Katrina. Grandma mentioned it earlier but for some reason it just sunk in. She said there are other hurricanes in the gulf and New Orleans is talking about evacuating again because the levee is leaking…err…or was shoddily repaired. Maybe I should go find out more on that now while I’m thinking about it. Tropical Storm Gustav is what they’re calling it now.
Newsvine
