Wake Me Now

The topic of prostitution remains an intensely personal concern for me.  For all my frustrations and rants and irritations with the clients, I can guarantee that for the rest of my life I will stand up in support of a woman’s right to choose sex work as a profession.  Even if I walk away from it completely and sever ties, it remains an important part of my life that will live on until the end of my days.

I need to say this.  Because this blog is here as my journal to sort out my clashing opinions and personal problems, it may come off as though I blame prostitution at times, but that is never the case.  To an extent I blame “the industry,” which is my term for the sex industry in American culture that is dictated at the top by men and is geared to cater to middle-class male interests.  The industry is slanted, biased and sexist, as one might expect, but this is not the fault of prostitution in and of itself.  It’s a result of women being exploited, and sex work is just another way that our society goes about doing so.

And at times I will gripe about the men, the clients, some of whom misbehave and mistreat.  But these same men go on to misbehave and mistreat other women in their lives who have no affiliation with sex work at all.  These men are just rascals or tyrants, and that’s on them.  They’re not this way simply because prostitution exists; they’re this way because they do not respect and appreciate women as equals.  And as has been stated many times here and on other blogs and forums, the vast majority of my clientele are not these few men I gripe about.  The good ones aren’t generally discussed because their privacy is valued.  Perhaps it would be in my best interest to relate some of their stories to others in a way that won’t compromise them, giving anyone willing to read it a better understanding of why a supposedly feminist woman continues to see them and defends their choice to see us.

Human trafficking (which is discussed in an article I’m about to post a link to in the next thread) is too often equated with prostitution.  There is a tremendous difference here.  Trafficking a human being involves forcing them into labor of some fashion against their will.  It is more accurately called slavery, and this is a real problem in some countries, especially for underage, low-income women.  This deserves our attention and concern, absolutely, but it does not deserve to be lumped in with any and all forms of prostitution.  Some of us operate on our own free will.  Finances play a role, but so does it for anyone who takes any job anywhere.  To label us all as victims needing to be saved from our circumstances is what has eroded relations between sex workers and feminists for many decades now.  YOU are not our white knights and YOU need to understand this.  The issue of human rights needs to be addressed, but to lay the blame at the feet of a profession dominated by women using their natural assets to earn a living is abhorrent and anti-woman any which way you care to slice it.

For feminists to arrogantly state that women have a right to do with their bodies as they see fit when it comes to abortion and reproductive rights and then turn right around and condemn their sisters who choose sex work on their own volition as a means of caring for themselves sickens me.  This issue alone is the reason I hesitate to call myself a feminist because the hypocrisy in the message cannot be ignored.  What is our crime?  Can anyone truly claim this “crime” is any greater than those argued by the Religious Right against a woman’s right to an abortion?  No, both are equally condemned.  But when feminists take up half the cause and then ignore the rest of us and our rights, they are no better than the oppressors themselves.  They are aiding in the marginalization of women everywhere. 

The issue seems to come down to fighting for rights that affect you personally.  As a middle-class American woman, it’s understandable that you should want reproductive choice.  But because you yourself are not a prostitute, you refuse to see what choice we have.  If this is about women’s autonomy and options, then how dare a person say that you do not get to choose to have sex on your free will, with other adults, as you see fit.  It’s okay for gay men and lesbians to do what they wish.  It’s okay for swingers and bisexuals to flaunt around at the clubs and engage in indiscriminate sex with strangers.  It’s okay for women to encourage one another to take potentially harmful medications to reduce their risk of pregnancy (see Depo Provera).  It’s okay to sell any sex toy you can dream up, and to hit the bars to pick up any married or unmarried man you may find.  But somehow it is NOT okay for a person to engage in sex, however vanilla, kinky and/or compassionate it may be, in exchange for funding to care for themselves.  How much sense does that make?

What is women’s empowerment anyway?  Isn’t it within our right to engage in any profession we see fit?  I can marry a man and gain access to his money that way, even if it involves deception and falsehoods, but to enjoy the company of a man for a few hours with the clear, express agreement that he will provide this and I will provide that is somehow unacceptable.  That is puritanical, pure and simple.  You’d rather a woman gold-dig than earn an honest living.  Well…good luck thinking you can enforce these bullshit laws and USAID policies.  Because a woman is going to do whatever the hell she deems is best for herself, and the rest of the people who might wish to chain her down with pointless, controlling regulations will just have to try to catch her if they can.  LOL  But then to do what?  To put her in a jail cell where she can drain tax dollars that she otherwise would never ask for?  Where she isn’t on the outside plying a trade that puts a roof over her head, provides funding for her family, taxable income for the damned government, and supports the local community by paying for those nice hotel rooms, fancy dinners, hair and nail treatments, expensive clothing and shoes, etc.  She’s doing her part and it’s every bit as useful as that being done by the next productive individual.

Huh.  Speaking as if the prostitute, the woman, is the real problem here and the job (sex in exchange for something of value) is worthy of being condemned.  You know why it’s never been eradicated?  Because it never should be and if I have any say, I’ll do my part to the end of my life to ensure it lives on in some sort of way.  Why?  Because it’s female power in the raw, people.  Sex SHOULD involve some sort of exchange to ensure it’s properly respected.  Now think about that…

What kind of culture do we have in the U.S. today?  We have the “slut” culture where it’s all about dressing like “hos” and shaking our shit so that we might become more popular, more admirable.  Right?  We see it everywhere and it’s even permeated our youth, the very young, the elementary age running around wearing short shorts with lettering on the seat, purchased by their parents.  Ugh.  Makes me sick thinking people don’t mind their children receiving unwarranted attention, encouraging people to read what’s written on their butts.  Teenagers encouraged to follow the larger culture and engage in activities that amount to swinging when they’re not mature enough to understand the exploitation behind so much of it.  Parents not talking to their kids, letting the defunct schools and propaganda television programs parent for them.  Mommas calling themselves “cougars” and dressing and acting not so much just like 18-year-olds but as women without respect for the image they present.  Men sexualizing young females with little regard for what damage it may do to them.  Way to go, people!  Kinda sad when a hooker has to tell you this shit, isn’t it?  But you already know it – you just don’t care.

Our relationship with sex in this culture sucks (fuck the pun).  I’m so sick and tired of people talking out of both sides of their damn mouths, publicly condemning the same damned things they’re engaging in privately.  Willfully missing the correlation between their own behavior and choices and what’s going on around them.  When I say we’ve hit a modern day Sodom & Gommorrah, I’m not playing around.  Ya’ll scare the shit out of me.  Intimacy doesn’t even factor in as we treat our sexual relations with one another with distance, lack of emotion, lack of concern, lack of humanity…like a porno.  Feminists beat the rails, declaring pornography unfit for viewing, blaming it for society’s ills.  But what they don’t see is that this is just art imitating what’s already going on in life.

Now, don’t get me wrong…I’m not condemning kinkiness or saying it’s wrong to have a good time.  I’m worried about the social and intimate disconnect we’re experiencing.  See, it’s not the act or the toy or whatever that’s damaging us – it’s our relationship with ourselves, each other and these toys and acts.  It’s kind of like the pro-gun rights argument (which I firmly support).  On one hand you have liberal folks claiming that “guns kill people” and on the other end people are laughing because anyone with any knowledge of weaponry understands a.) anything can pose as a weapon if used as such, and b.) the weapon in and of itself has no power – the person using it does.  (You could extend this argument to the drugs debate too, though addiction issues muddle it up a bit.)  This is what Libertarianism means to me…getting to the heart of the matter and seeing it for what it truly is.  Those sex toys they keep trying to ban in Alabama are just objects.  Anyone who’s ever masturbated with a candle or a facial massager or any other household object not intended for this purpose understands that anything can be used by the creative (and hard-up).  A fork jabbed in the right spot can be fatal, as can a maglight upside the head or a faithful family dog chomping down on the leg of an intruder.  We would have to ban anything and everything if our goal was to protect ourselves from ourselves.

But we’re adults who can be trusted with sharp objects and vibrating equipment, right?

Yet to hear a feminist tell it, all men are potential rapists.  I remember a few years ago, back when I was married, when I believed this perhaps could be true and it scared the hell out of me.  I became so pissed off with men due to my own experiences and then steeping myself in feminist teachings that I got to where I wouldn’t open the door for the UPS man.  No lie.  Now how fucked up are we that we’ll tell men that a natural part of their body is nothing more than a vicious weapon for inflicting pain on other people?  I can only imagine the complex we’ve given people, particularly those who’ve been personally injured themselves.

That’s truly heart-breaking.

Telling ourselves and our children that men are nothing but predators to fear and women nothing but gold-diggers to avoid, and what have we become?  It’s kind of a like a self-fulfilling prophecy where if you repeat it enough times it appears to come true.  But it’s not true.  Not yet.  People are still people.  Sex is still sex.  It’s not sex or a penis that’s to blame but what we as rational, caring, sensitive people decide to do with them.  I don’t want to hear anymore about this “penis power” and “pussy power.”  That’s foolish.  The penis isn’t the problem; the vagina isn’t the problem.  Hell, guns aren’t the problem.  PEOPLE and the foolish thoughts we have in our heads are what’s causing these problems.

I love my body and I happen to love myself.  I enjoy spreading that love with other people who appreciate it.  In turn, I ask that they donate toward my upkeep and they do so.  And this, they say, is a crime.

The criminal justice students often argue that there are no “victimless crimes.”  To which I respond, there are no victimless anythings.  We’re all interconnected and no man or woman is an island.  We have power to use our sense and schooling to improve conditions, or we can opt not to use them or to instead devote our time chasing ghosts and creating public hysteria.  “Epidemics.”  Everywhere you look that’s what the media is talking about.  Everything is blown up to epidemic proportions and we’re running scared of one another.  Hell, we’re scared of our own selves and our own true natures.  There are rights and wrongs, but to hear us tell it 99% of anything out there is either bad, immoral, harmful or likely to be so.  The truth is it’s all in what we choose to do with it.  Perception is a powerful thing.

Now, back to prostitution…in our treatment of sex and intimacy, we have given up our power.  When a person has sex for nothing, what can they expect to receive?  Let me put it this way.  When you marry, you have sex with your partner because you love them or at least because you’d like to maintain a peaceful household so the two of you can continue sharing and combining resources, right?  Well, what about when love or great affection isn’t present?  What then?  Well, you have two options if you’d like to engage in sex (aside from finding someone you do love): seek out mutually physically satisfying arrangements with partners or create a barter system where you do receive something of value in exchange.  The first is difficult for many to find, no question.  The second is prostitution (or in some cases, marriage and dating).  Your other option would be to be remain celibate.

Now say you choose the first option and decide to seek out mutual physical pleasure.  Where do you start?  And how do you know sex with that person will be satisfying until you try it?  From this we see how the bar scene has evolved as well as swinging.  You go out and essentially roll the dice with everyone you decide to have sex with.  Well, living in a culture that celebrates pornographic relations, you’re likely to wind up having many bad experiences (as I and many, many others have found out).  What’s worse is that people put on a good face, or get you intoxicated, in order to get you to have sex with them, and their attitudes might change dramatically once the sex is underway or after it’s already taken place.  We know this.  And through this we’ve wound up with a lot of jaded, unhappy people who had their pride or feelings hurt, if not worse.

So you stick with the idea of waiting ’til marriage to have sex with a monogamous partner.  Okay.  But what if they turn out to not be satisfying either?  Or grow selfish in time?  Or have have other needs than you?  Or experience pain as a result of vaginitis or endometriosis?  Then what?  Leave them?  But you may love them.  Sacrifice and go without?  Okay, try that.  Some succeed, but as we know, plenty fail.

And what if you don’t actually love that partner or fall out of love over time?  If you have a heart, you may leave, but if you’re a gold-digger, this is considered acceptable.  There are many loveless marriages and relationships in this country, yet we continue to pretend they’re somehow “sanctified.”  I’m not sure how much sanctity can exist between two people where one is using the other.  My mother did this, and I grew up watching it play out.  Not a pretty thing to witness.  It’s cold, heartless and corrupt in my opinion and I’d rather have no part of it.  If resources are what you want, which is perfectly understandable that you should desire enough to care for yourself, then I believe a more honest interaction ought to take place.

NOTE: We’re worth receiving something of value in exchange for something so personal as our intimacy.  Whether it be love, affection, appreciation, admiration, compensation…the point is that we’re worth more than being kicked out of bed at 4am by some guy who’s “finished” with us.  We do deserve some measure of fulfillment from the partners we spend intimate time with.

Hence why I became a prostitute.  In my mind, it was morally preferable to gold-digging and the bills weren’t being paid by the full-time day job.  Sounds perfectly reasonable, doesn’t it?  Well, it does to me because it took care of two birds with one stone: it saved me from celibacy and eventually the heartless bar scene and provided the resources necessary to care for myself.

In pursuing this option, I’ve been selective and careful, learning over time how to become more exclusive and discerning in my taste in clients, leading to where now my small group are wonderful (aside from that one selfish flake, but he’s never been cruel), and they not only compensate me financially but show appreciation and kindness toward me.  I’m satisfied and my needs are met.  Someday it will be nice to find love, but until that day comes, this is the best option for me.  No government dollars go toward my support nor have they since way back when I was a welfare baby.  I’ve never spread disease and am tested for STDs 3-4 times per year, EVERY year (later today I have an appointment as a matter of fact), which is more than most can say.  This lifestyle allowed me to continue my education, which now is almost complete (come October) – very proud.  Many bills have been paid, and money was sent home to my family during those days when I saw more clients and brought in higher earnings.

My relationships with men were severely damaged before this, and then the industry threatened to damage it further, so I took a breather for many months and am now in a much better, more solid space and am getting back to basics, reinvigorating my appreciation for this awesome idea I stumbled across as a 21-year-old.  And I said back then and will say it again now: this will be, in some way, shape or form, a part of my life to the end.  It’s taught me so incredibly much about my own self-worth and value as a human being, as well as the value of others and the importance of intimacy and compassion. They may label me as a criminal, but I’ve committed no crime.  The threat of arrest will not, cannot, rob me of this enlightenment nor make me speak out against my choices or my clients.  Period.  I will not name names and foul up that which I’ve come to regard as sacred.

Tell me this isn’t empowerment.  Tell me I am nothing more than a slave, and I’ll just laugh and keep walking.