Not in such a good mood the last day or so. Just woke up and am still in a foul state of mind. Some would blame it on trying to quit smoking, but I’ve given into these urges (though still not inhaling) in order to combat these extremely negative feelings. Probably PMS/hormones.
I know many good things are happening right now, but none of that seems to matter in this moment. School is one month from being completed, financially I’m not facing dire straights (currently), my pets show much love, and I have the comforts of my home. But then, that just doesn’t seem like enough right now. I’m lonely, frustrated, and fed up. There’s only so much time an extrovert ought to spend alone, and I’ve hit that limit, especially after being sick and homebound for the majority of the last 2 weeks.
Finally about to graduate and now it just doesn’t seem to matter. The economy is wrecked, jobs have become so competitive though the wages remain pitiful and the benefits nonexistent, and my own people seem they couldn’t care less. My grandparents have taken to hounding me for choosing this major, and I have to grit my teeth and bear it since they know nothing of college. These are the same people who encouraged me to be an art major, who now complain “why didn’t you choose English or History as a your major?” Really? You think those are better majors?? I’m content with Social Science. And besides, it’s a bit late to be changing course, don’t you think? Why wait ’til now, 9 years later when I’m finally about to graduate, to complain? Saying maybe I should go to beauty school. *sigh* They have no idea how insulting that is to say.
But those conversations only take place when we actually talk. They find themselves too busy these days, so my phone calls often go unresponded to. This makes me very sad and irritated, feeling as though I’ve been gone so long that I cease to be as important to them. Considering they are the only family I have, this really cuts like a knife though I don’t tell them how it feels. They seem to think I’ve outgrown the family, acting like a college education and northern exposure makes you less and no longer one of them. Grandpa distrusts the educated, partly due to his own insecurities, but he was also the one who pushed me the hardest to go this route. And grandma just doesn’t get it, not understanding that I can’t change my course of study on a whim. They’re both critical about it taking me this long to complete.
And when we have spoken in recent months, they’ve all but made it clear that returning to their area would be a poor decision. The economy there is worthless, hence why I moved away in the first place, but still…everyone else I know can turn to their families for a place to stay temporarily without feeling guilty, like maybe I’m just intruding on and disrupting their lives. But I miss them.
Brother won’t return my calls these past couple of weeks. No big shock there. He and I aren’t very close thanks to being raised apart. But we’re supposed to be family. He doesn’t seem to know how to treat family.
Dad and I are always on the fritz so I haven’t written him back recently. His critical tongue is not what I can deal with right now.
But ya know, right there I take issue. He pays for his son’s education, housing, vehicle, etc., freeing brother to not have to work while completing his education and living at home. Fine, that’s his son. But with me, I’m this outsider who doesn’t have any rights to claim with him. And when graduation rolls around, I fully expect to hear him say what he’s always said…”What? You don’t deserve a reward for doing what you ought to be doing anyway.” In other words, the reward is the graduation itself and there is no congratulatory treatment. He’s always been this way.
And I know it’s a stupid thing to get upset about, but dammit, I’ve worked so hard over the years by myself, without their support or understanding, hours away from those I love. I’m lonely and worn out and desperate for a break to be shown some loving kindness from my people. But that’s a pipe dream just as it’s always been. They don’t bring comfort, just more demands and expectations. And I don’t know how or even why to keep trying to live up to them when there are no rewards from these people. Sometimes I feel like they just set up these expectations in order to occupy my time so that I may go away to tend to it. Come back to a blank stare inquiring why I’m pausing, there’s more to be done. Yes, but it’s all being done on my own. Where is the comfort? Where is the downtime? No, it’s not school I desire relief and escape from…just life in general. But that appears to be too much to ask.
It all sounds so selfish to say, but I can’t help but feel jealous knowing that my sibling and cousins are treated so much differently. I do feel like an outcast who they wish would just busy herself so as not to interfere with their lives. Is it feeling sorry for myself? Perhaps but everyone needs time to check and lick their wounds. I’ve taken care of myself for so long that I seem to have missed out on so much, creating a divide between myself and my peers where we struggle to relate, rendering life only that much more lonely as I segregate off to toil in my own corner. So yeah, the smarting of this wound commands my attention at times and now is one of them.
Friends…just as too often happens, I’m unable to tell who’s who among my people. Sometimes they seem to care but I can never be certain how much or how long it will last. It almost makes me want to slam the door and just retreat into solitude on my own volition instead of waiting by, eagerly anticipating their attention directed this way. It causes a person to lean too much on those who do come around, leading to feelings of nervousness as you attempt not to wear out those you love.
Dammit. I should not feel like a burden on my people. Financially I ask for nothing. Physically and materially I ask for nothing. Just their comfort and companionship. But I feel as though I’m whining, begging for these crumbs of attention, inside demanding so much more than they can apparently give. But who is “they”? Only a couple of people. The rest are acquaintances, fair-weather playmates, clients, and others whom I’m not at liberty to lean on. Many of them come to me wanting my temporary attention, which sometimes feels like further drainage of my limited resources. Is this how everyone feels? So limited on personal reserves, seeking a time and space to recharge?
(Btw, my sickness doesn’t appear to be over. In fact, it looks as though it may be heading toward a sinus infection, which if it goes that way will require a doctor’s visit. No medical insurance means more out-of-pocket expense. *sigh*)
When my people want me there, I’m there. When I want them there, sometimes they come to me depending on whatever else is going on around them. On the whole, I don’t appear to be as high a priority in their lives as they are in mine. This leads to much resentment and heartache over time, and that’s where I’m at now. I need them but can’t say the words for fear of being dismissed. I love them and just wish to lay down beside them, to experience comfort by their sides. That’s all I ever want. To just know they are close enough to reach out and touch. I can go many months without touching a loved one even once, mostly due to the geographic divide. Recharging has less to do with talking to them and more with simply basking in their presence, and I do need them. Why does friendship have to hurt so much? Why do family relations have to be accompanied with so much guilt and embarrassment?
I just wish they were beside me. That’s all. Willingly beside me.
The disinterest some of them show toward this in their dismissiveness, trivializing my thoughts and feelings as belonging to a weak, clingy individual brews a storm in my mind. Like how dare you. Have I not tried to be a decent daughter, a devoted friend, a loving partner? Will my efforts remain in vain regardless of what I try or how I change? Are you impossible to please, at least when it comes to my efforts? Go ahead, dismiss me. I’ve already walked away from 80-90% of everyone I ever knew. I can keep walking. Do I really need any of them? Do any of them actually matter? Am I the burden or are they? Imposing standards I can’t apparently ever live up to, hearing how I am viewed as weak and lacking respect for myself because I “cling.” But I am frequently lonely and alone! It’s not for a lack of respect for myself but a love for them! Too blind to see it. Cling. Hrmph. That one hurt. Especially considering I moved 900 miles away and have not laid eyes on her in over 1.5 years. Cling? Well gee, what would it mean to not cling? To disappear completely? Apparently.
These are the same people who say I shouldn’t leave the country, I shouldn’t move. Why not? So that I can be within closer proximity in the event that you do decide you want me around? When you have time to reach out my direction? When it’s convenient for schedules or when other friends aren’t around? When you’re depressed, Dad, and seeking a monkey to come entertain you for a couple of hours? When another hurricane hits and supplies could come in handy? When you decide a sister might be worthwhile to turn to? When you bore of your own family and local friends? When the wife is out of town and sex is desired, buddy? When you’ve run out of drugs and tired of the barscene? When you want someone to listen and care?
It’s this stupid hole in my heart. It is forever seeking deep, familial bonds with others, but coming up empty-handed even with my own family members. My friends have proven to be closer and more reliable than much of my family, for which I am grateful. But everyone is busy and far away. Would it matter if I were a state away or in Peru? How often do we see one another? If you’re not here beside me, I’m by myself and in a society decidedly shifting toward a fascist police state, this is a very scary proposition. Don’t they see by asking me to stay nearby, they’re only condemning me to further hurt? But it’s always out of sight and thereby out of mind. They say they’d worry if I went elsewhere. Why? You don’t worry now. Don’t you know all of the pain I’ve endured up ’til now has come from within the United States and at the hands of fellow Americans? You think a foreigner could hurt me worse? How much protection have you offered for your sister/daughter/friend living right here in the States? None. Not one bit. Not one time.
So if I’m condemned to walk alone and care for my own self, shouldn’t I be free to do so anywhere without risking a guilty conscience? I’m afraid to leave because I don’t wish to disappoint and also because there’s this sense of obligation to look out for them. But to which I ask myself, for what? They won’t look out for me and don’t seem to give much of a damn what I do so long as I remain out from underfoot. Must it always run in one direction? Is my life really nothing more than some skewed and stupid form or martyrdom for my own loved ones, some of whom I’m not convinced actually possess true love for me?
We spoke yesterday of the same familiar gripe about how one manages to get by, and I repeated details of the same dilemma as has been in place for years. Surely others managed, they say. But how? I don’t know. I envy those capable of doing so everyday. They have their families and friends with the assistance and comfort that goes with this. My family stood by and watched me walk this path alone. Dismiss it all, say she chose this. What choice have I ever had but to survive or not? To marry or not? I ran to them, begged them, would have listened to any advice they had to offer. But here we stand years later and I’m told there had to be a better way. Still listening over here, waiting to hear that magical answer. Waiting to learn your opinions on how a person is supposed to live successfully as an island unto themselves.
Fuck it. I am so tired of feeling as though my life is in a petri dish. An experiment, as she once said. Well, look at the freak you created. An unhappy, isolated, bitterly lonely young woman deprived of the basic comforts her peers enjoy. Great. What a fucking crock! Why?? All for what?? Was I supposed to demonstrate that a person can do it all alone and needs no one? Am I supposed to be living proof that a person doesn’t need attention or the touch of appreciation and concern? Always a voice over the phone. That’s all you people are to me.
If not for my clients in prostitution, I might have starved for human contact. What kind of society have we created here? What kind of family is this?
And now they say I’m grown and past the age of being free to express such sentiments. I should now buck up and get on with it. Quit looking back and keep my eyes forward. But forward to what? I ask. To more of the same? To more isolation and rejection, living as a social creature going mad behind four walls alone? Why? Why would we do this to one another? All I ever wanted was to be by their sides.
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wakemenow said
PMS seriously sucks.
Times like this call for a break from sobriety.