Hard to recognize your blessings or luckiness sometimes.
It’s been an odd evening. A shopping cart in the left lane seconds after consciously deciding to stay behind the slow-poke minivan in the right lane while thinking about some weird stuff and listening to Cake’s “I Will Survive” turned up on the stereo. A cop was driving toward it, coming from the other direction so that eliminated the need to stop and move it out of the way. Just one of those dumb, ironic moments where you have to laugh and shake your head, thankful for your cursedly expensive car insurance but more thankful it won’t be needed. Weird timing to say the least.
While driving back home tonight after all of that, I was thinking about my upcoming move (shocker) and how maybe going down south is what is needed right now. Like maybe because my hometown is the last place besides Iraq I’d want to be right now for any extended period of time (over a month or so – two weeks is usually pushing it). I love my grandparents but not much of anyone else there, mostly because I’ve lived away for so long and don’t know folks. The ones I do know are mostly assholes, including many members of my family. Nice, I know; just speaking it how I see it. And there are no bars in the entire county. Yeah, one of those places. Deep within the true-blue bible belt. Taking my computer down last time made it more bearable. The heat…oh god…the bugs. And they all adore feasting on me. Ants, fleas, ticks, mosquitoes, gnats – everything bites! Including snakes. Our area is marshy-ish, sweltering, and about 45 minutes from the closest large city. But we do have a new coffee shop (last I checked) and a number of mom-n-pops hanging on.
Hmmm…so yeah, naturally, why not feel maybe I’ll wind up staying longer than expected in the place where I don’t wish to get stuck? This town is the reason I’ve come to prefer colder winters and visiting family only a couple of times a year. The vast majority of fond memories back there exclude all people but my grandparents. The schools are crap. Jobs are hard to come by. And it’s frickin’ hot 9 months out of the year!
But…I’m looking on the bright side too. My family could use some help, and I miss them so much. Having to help raise another youngen, their great-granddaughter this time, after just caring for elderly great-grandpa (’til his late 90s), I know they could use more help from all of us. One aunt lives in town and is around a lot, but she’s…well, not my favorite person. Kind of a bitch. ‘Course, most of us are. So, now that the degree is complete finally, what excuse do I have and where better could I be? Anywhere else I’d go, it would be tough to not worry about them, maybe to the point of regretting my decision to travel. Plus, it will take much more time to raise the necessary funds. My savings is still pretty skimpy.
Maybe this will be a good place to move on to the next phase, spending time with my people. It’s been a long time sine I’ve lived in that town…10 years actually. And 6 years since last moving out of the state. Major change to go back there, but maybe it will be worth it. How could it not? Something tells me it will, though it will likely suck too. But that’s the way the cookie crumbles, right? Give up something you want for what you really need. Independence and privacy is a bit tougher to come by when you move back in with family. But my professor finished her Ph.D. and then had to move back in with her mother, so hey, it happens. Especially these days, as perhaps it should. It’s not like I haven’t proven I can afford it on my own, but at what cost? Loneliness is a horrible consequence for us “extroverts.” And for what gain? Well, I learned a hell of a lot over the years, living up north in cities completely new to me, made a good living for a number of years and attended school, met new people and lived my life. But maybe that weird pull inside is calling me back home…of all places.
Something tells me so. At least for a while. How long? Who knows? But that seems the right mindset – to just take it each day at a time, not looking toward someday leaving but enjoying time with my family. Maybe even figuring out how to get along with the aunt. It will take meeting new people whose pads I can occasionally crash at and pre-planning for ways to occupy time away from the television (they will never get rid of cable). I’m buying books for the trip and plan to carry along all of my art supplies. And lingerie. hehe You didn’t think I’d give that up as a side job, did ya? But I have been looking online at job listings for the 50 mile radius and am updating my resume format. The volunteer work will come in handy for explaining how some of my time’s been spent (being self-employed at my age reads like being unemployed on a resume lol).
Besides, I do love the south. It’s difficult to explain the love/disgust relationship I have with my homestate, so I won’t try too hard. While too many look down on the south as the keeper of dirty, historical secrets, I can appreciate the richness of her history and the culture she embodies. The south become the great American scapegoat where we laid the blame of past sins of slavery and racism when really it was a national phenomenon. Or even an international phenomenon when you consider Britain’s colonization of the “third” and “new” world. Some folks can only see crosses burning when they think of Alabama, Georgia or Mississippi, believing this region to be dominated by rich white people hell-bent on hating all other races. That’s ignorant. Racial strife remains embedded in the culture, but why do we never ask where it originally sprang from? Economic competition was one major factor. Propaganda was another.
There have been many growing pains in the south, partly because it retains the highest number of black people while also being remembered as the Confederacy that fought against the supposedly anti-slavery, Industrial North. More like anti-Southern agrarian due to economic transformation and competition. We Southern generations of modern times (even us younger ones) continue to be denigrated as the “rapists” of black Americans, born into racism as if by birthright. Yeah, there are many ignorant attitudes out there against our Southern brethren from folks who have no real idea of the situation. Yes, I said it. They don’t talk about the poverty of too many of the people – White, Black, and Native American alike. Never speak of Appalachia. Celebrate movies like “Deliverance” and “Mississippi Burning.” (Ugh. That really sucks, guys.) And never mind the high number of Southern young people who join our Armed Forces to protect all Americans. We’re forever regarded as backwards by the rest of the union, which only gives rise to the rejuvenation of Southern pride. It’s been instilled in me too, though I grew to prefer it from afar.
Try reading Richard L. Rubenstein’s essay (yet another plug) “The Cunning of History: The Holocaust and the American Future” for more food for thought on the connection between slavery and religion. Read Jared Diamond’s “Guns, Germs, and Steel” for a history on the connection between slavery and economic growth and expansion. Once upon a time I tried reading Jim Goad’s (a pseudonym) “Redneck Manifesto” but only made it 3/4 of the way in before he veered off the deep end; it’s racist and harsh, but there are some valid arguments under all the bitterness and misdirected aggression. Like, for example, his frustration with poor Europeans being brought in as indentured servants, facing abuse similar to that experienced by imported African slaves. It’s not a popular view to accept, so often being told the opposite by peers and teachers alike, hence where Jim Goad’s (and others’ like him) indignation stems from.
Ever feel like you grasp two, seemingly opposite perspectives at the same time, yet embrace neither fully? You can take the girl out of the South but never the South out of the girl…BUT…I did move away as an adult for valid reasons too. There’s so much I love there, though so much that remains frustrating. Not because I wish to upgrade it necessarily (as I surely did as a teen) since it’s nice knowing a place like the South continues to exist in such a fast-paced nation, but because I fit in so poorly with the local culture. Like the rest of them, I’m fairly loud and stubborn myself, making it easy for headbutting to crop up every time you turn around. Being reminded by the close-minded good ol’ boys and “good girls” what a heathen I am isn’t the most pleasant way to live (and that was way back, long before prostitution entered the equation). Having religion rammed down your throat at every turn also sucks big-time when you’re going through a very personal, private quest for a greater understanding of life around you. For as Libertarian as many of us claim to be, we really need to re-acquaint ourselves with the notion of “live and let live.” That’s my problem with the South in a nutshell.
It’s never pleasant taking in the big picture and considering all the varied arguments and perspectives, especially those deemed unpopular and profoundly misunderstood. Katrina helped humanize the South again in ways (aside from New Orleans, that is), but stereotypes die hard. This is why I don’t accept the generic answer that human conflict arises from “hate.” What does that even mean? Do you ever wonder where “hate” comes from? Does love arise spontaneously from nothing, without any effort on the part of the individual? It doesn’t seem to. I will continue to argue that what we too-commonly refer to as “hate” is really far more complex and that by assigning generic labels, we’re really only dismissing the deeper problems, freeing ourselves from all the necessary thinking and soul-searching that goes along with trying to understand this stuff. Instead of always assuming that “evil” can only be carried out by some “other,” maybe a more honest understanding of American (and other nations’) history would help us to imagine how we too could perhaps wind up complicitly going along with a corrupt system without ever setting out to do so. Seems to me so much of history looks like a mistake in retrospect, but that’s an optical illusion of living in the now, especially at a point in history where so much information is readily available. We really are poised with a unique vantage point these days to learn so much about the nature of human beings and the systems we create.
Maybe I’ve been gone so long that there’s been time enough for some changes to be made. We shall see. I’ll certainly miss my plans to travel elsewhere, but learning Spanish is in order before heading out anyway. And money doesn’t grow on trees. I miss my family and should spend some time with them, taking a bit of a rest to stop and think and work. No more college to tend to, freeing my time up to learn about other subjects. This is not a bad transition, even if thoughts of the muggy heat of next spring causes my stomach turn. If I can make relative peace with living there, it’ll be good preparation for the next step. Right? We’ll find out soon enough.
Odd to think that a runaway shopping cart sparked this internal dialogue tonight. Goes to show to you never can tell…
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wakemenow said
Thinking about grandma cheers me up inside.
Just gotta learn to take each day as it comes. This has potential to open up new doors that could lead to, if nothing else, some pretty interesting stories.