Not a topic I plan on delving into very far on here, partly because it’s a private matter but mostly because I’m still sorting it all out. A friend and I talked last night about my dissatisfaction with sex presently, and try as I might, explaining the feelings and digging up the source just isn’t proving possible right now. Very frustrating to say the least when you know something is wrong, and it’s been gradually sliding to this point for a looong time, but not being able to pinpoint the reasons why.
To blame it on escorting is too simplistic and misguided, treating my clients and profession as scapegoats for problems that began long before they entered the picture.
To blame men (as a category) is to deny my own involvement, both complicit and active, in the perpetuation of events. We women are not completely innocent nor are most men savages wishing to do us harm.
I want to blame particular individuals, some of whom do indeed deserve blame, but so much time has elapsed since then that to cling to this perspective is likely to do my own self an injustice.
Blaming religions and traditions that brought condemnation only goes so far. Sure, our society has a decidely puritanical slant to it, but living under a rock has also helped in escaping the wrath and judgment of those whom I don’t agree with. And leaving the South helped as well. There are issues here to be dealt with, though I’m not certain how deep it all runs.
Blaming myself won’t do a lot of good either. Have I made mistakes? Absolutely. And I try very hard to learn from them. My story isn’t that unique and I am not alone in these feelings, so to turn the blame inward is to ignore the larger social transitions (and confusions) that have affected us all.
What is the problem? Numbness. Not complete but enough to cause concern. It appears to be linked to deprivation of true intimacy, though the details are difficult to discern right now. The “fix” will likely be a long time coming as I have a feeling this involves a great deal more than sex.
Anyway, after writing all afternoon about physician-assisted suicide for class, this probably isn’t the best time to broach this topic.
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