There’s plenty I should be writing about, but lately the mood is rather dull around here. I’m tired more often than not, and when an idea springs to mind, it’s always when the computer is halfway across town.
This being a sketchy personal journal, likely much of what’s posted deserves additional clarification but since no questions are forthcoming, I’m not so sure what areas ought to be addressed. Like the topic of feminism and some of the rudimentary elements to prostitution that are glossed over and taken for granted as understood. Might have to fill in some blanks over time, just for my own peace of mind. But not right now since the cigarettes are low and it will soon be time for a nap.
An example is how an older, self-described “liberal” man at the bar last night got a bit hot under the collar with me over the issue of feminism, fuming that I apparently am not truly a feminist (how dare I not be!) and berating me for not appreciating the efforts of “liberal women” who came before me. My argument was that I do appreciate their efforts, however, both good and bad consequences came from the mid-century Feminist Movement. One downside being this partially-unintended notion that women have to behave like men in order to compete with men, giving creedence to the idea that it is indeed a man’s world after all. It denies the very femininity it claimed to protect and promote, casting it aside as “weak” in exchange for embracing aggressive tactics typically employed the masculine-minded. My point primarily is that both the masculine and feminine have merit and usefulness and should be represented in the public forum, even in the business realm. He blinked and swayed before stuttering on about how I must not care about my “right to choose” then, as if he hadn’t even heard a word I’d spoken. So I countered by explaining that we’ve always had a right to choose…the feminist movement fights for legal recognition of this natural fact. You can’t take away our natural right to do with our body as we see fit. Oh yes, you may arrest and punish us for exercising this freedom, but the freedom remains regardless. This blew his mind. I went on to say that the modern feminist movement has disenfranchised many women of color and those not belonging to the middle-class, creating divided and separate movements with differing objectives and focus. He then called me a “conservative.” lol Which I am to a point, depending on how you define it. In the end, we shook hands and hugged after he finally grasped that there are different “degrees” of feminist.
Lots of self-described “liberals” in this town spoiling for an argument, particularly with someone deemed more conservative than themselves. And I step in that lion’s pit every time. ‘Tis my controversial nature. Though it usually works out for the best and I appreciate the exchange of ideas, even in a bar setting where such talk can get out of hand if not careful.
At another point in the evening, I got into a light tangle with an energetic man over the issue of whether prostitution is ever permissible. He kept arguing that there must be honesty between people, and I countered that an agreement between two adults can very much be honest and straight-forward. He was just so caught up on this notion that to receive anything in exchange for sex and companionship must involve gold-digging and had trouble separating the two. A couple of females jumped into the conversation while we stood out in the cold smoking our cigarettes, and as to be expected, the females challenged my ideas and defended men. That’s always struck me as so unusual about women…they’ll complain and gripe about men in an incredibly unfair fashion, condemning them for everything that ails society, but then defend them (categorically) on matters where no defense is needed. They seem to believe they’re protecting their own interests by ridiculing prostitution or anything remotely related to it, but my argument wasn’t that a paid setup was necessarily preferable, only that it was an option available for those wishing for sex without the usual strings attached. Such an uncomfortable topic to debate out in public, particularly with women.
I concede that a loving, mutually-reciprocal relationship between two individuals is ideal and have never disputed this. It’s just that not everyone seeks a romantic relationship even if they do desire sex, so we have to address how to tackle that situation without winding up with the short end of the stick (as so many women do as a result of not being as casually-minded when it comes to sex as men generally are). For statements like this, I am labeled “sexist,” “female chauvinist,” and “cold-hearted.” Not sure why exactly.
I mean, you can continue buying the bar lines and wishing in one hand that this man will be different from your other one-night stands, or you can get realistic about the culture we live in and the gender differences that impact our communications. If a man seeks sex and not romance, yet it’s known that many women do often seek a higher degree of romance (though not necessarily love in each encounter), it creates an incentive for the man to butter the woman up in order to gain access to what he seeks. In order to protect themselves, women opt (once again) to encourage themselves to behave and think like men, to treat sex more casually, and to buck up and blow off the guy before he can do the same to them. This creates anything but a casual sex environment – it creates hostility between the genders. At least from what I can tell. Surely it has in me over the years, and judging from the complaints and gripes from other women, this strategy isn’t working out too well for us. In the end, who got what they sought? More often than not, the men. My suggestion is merely for us to rethink our relationship with men and demand more from them so as to be shown respect prior to engaging in sex. For someone seeking love, that may men going on a series of sex-free dates to ensure he’s serious about you. For the casually-minded, this may mean having him take you out to dinner a couple of times or compensate you directly. That’s all. Not trying to kill the romance here…just not seeing much true romance taking place to begin with.
In fact, the most important lesson prostitution has taught me is that men respect what they earn. Anything given too freely is often taken for granted, and that goes for both men and women. I would have never thought in a million years when I first started that men would treat you with more respect when they compensate you, but it has been proven true. And I’ve had more than my fair share of one-night stands to compare it all to. You’d think a man who offers financial compensation would feel as though he owns you during your time together and may feel inclined to treat you however he wishes, though this has actually NOT been my experience. That attitude was much more likely to come into play after going home with a man from a bar than in dealing with a client honestly and upfront. But then again, I’ve always been a bit picky about the clients I see and have never worked the streets or in seedy strip clubs. Perhaps experiences vary, but I believe it has more to do with the cost involved. If the amount asked is too low, it ceases being much of a sacrifice and therefore the time paid for doesn’t feel earned. Boost your rates and you’ll likely see this change.
It’s similar to having a man wait only two dates for sex versus ten. Going on ten dates before engaging in sex is a much greater time (and financial) commitment than only two, so a man willing to wait for 10 more than likely is interested in something more than sex if he’s willing to stick around that long. That’s entirely comparable to charging $40 versus $400 for an evening together. Many of us blow $40 without even thinking about it, so charging such a low amount may come across as a joke, giving the man the impression that you are “cheap” and lack respect for your own self. Now, boost that to $400 and he’ll likely give more thought to who he hands this amount to. But best of all, since he’s making this investment, he’ll want his time with you to go smoothly and therefore is more inclined to be on his better behavior. Why? Besides the money factor, he’s probably spent time researching your reviews and jumping through verification hurdles just to see you, so having you toss his money back at him and leave will make it difficult if not impossible for him to find a replacement date on short notice. (The other incentive for good behavior being that he fears whatever security you may have in place.) Just as the man on the 10th date…if he makes a pig of himself, she may walk out and his time commitment has been all for naught, leaving him to start the process all over again with another female on some future date.
That’s all I was getting at. But arguing these points with most folks is fruitless. They consider my assessment “clinical” and unemotional, ignoring the fact that the approach is tailored to handling the situations we already face. I didn’t design the game, I’ve just learned to play it to the best of my ability. Romance is fantastic if that’s what you seek, but that doesn’t mean sex can only take place in a loving, committed setting. Though that likely is preferable, it’s not realistic to expect everyone to wait for this to come along. So what do we do in the meantime? Keep it in our pants? That’s one option. How are we doing on this though?
An option I’ve been employing in my personal life is to go home with certain men for cuddle time only. I make it crystal clear that sex isn’t an option long before heading out, but this isn’t the safest way to seek comfort. My alternative being what though? My clients are sweet but my role is to cater to their interests, sometimes at the expense of my own desires. Hence why I’m compensated. My personal life is dry like a desert, which is fine since the drama of dating drives me batty. I’ve been single for 1.5 years, dated a man for 6 months (the neocon) and was single for 2 years prior to that after getting out of a relationship with a freak. Prior to that I was married for 4 years. Basically single 3.5 years out of the last 4. Without my clients, my sex life would be nonexistent, that is unless I agreed to go back to casual sex encounters. Ugh. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt and even bought a cabana near its shores.
After sampling the various options available, the system that works best for me is to enjoy my clients for sex and seek out emotional and/or cuddling comfort in platonic settings, keeping the two separated. Yeah, it’s weird, but when true romance isn’t factored into the equation, combining the two can get tricky. A friend can be turned to for heartfelt, intimate cuddling and the milder versions of cuddling (like just wrapping a leg around someone or sleeping in the same bed) can be relegated to the category of men who previously would have been nothing more than sexual one-or-two-night stands. Since one-night stands drive me nuts and leave me feeling uncomfortable, and sex is something I’d rather in engage in with someone I know and trust, it works out better to only lightly cuddle those I’m not very familiar with. Oh, I know, some would say then why not just stay to yourself. Well, because I am an emotional creature who thrives on the touch from others, though it’s proven to work best when things are kept nonsexual. In the case of light cuddling, I get what I want out of the equation and the men receive companionship, making it a mutually-reciprocal arrangement. With a client, the scale is tipped in their favor physically and justly compensated to make up for the difference. When nothing is charged for one-sided sex, I wind up holding the short end of the stick more often than not. One-night stands generally are one-sided, which surely most women would agree with. Take sex out of the equation and it comes down to genuinely enjoying one another’s company.
Great theory but how does it play out in practice? Well, it’s tricky. Some men not only lie to get a woman to have sex with them, but also guarantee they’ll behave when they have no intention of doing so. You take a risk anytime you go somewhere private with someone you don’t know. The risk has turned out to be much higher going home with men I meet in regular civilian society than meeting with clients, in my experience at least. Clients pose less risk for various reasons, some mentioned above, but how do you get a regular civilian man to treat you properly? Well, you can’t guarantee it. You have to rely heavily on intuition and open communication. To me the risk is worth it, at least to an extent, because going without the comfort of company from time to time has proven more painful than dealing with the occasional jackass. But that’s just me. Surely I’d never recommend for anyone else to walk in my footsteps.
Take last night for example. I headed out to a local bar where I met a few gentleman for political conversation and as the night progressed, one took a liking to me. We chatted on a variety of topics and ordered pizza from the parlor down the way, all the while getting a feel for one another. I ask a lot of questions, many personal, listening not to just what he says but also his body language. Keeping the brews to a minimum so as to maintain a clear mind, I agreed to give two of the men a ride since they’d been drinking a good bit. The smitten one invited me back to his place, and before we went a step further, I clearly outlined my intentions, stating that sex would NOT be an option. He agreed and gave the impression he was sincere. We crashed and lightly cuddled, me wrapping a leg over his, wearing an oversized T-shirt and pajama pants he lent me for the night. He didn’t so much as attempt to kiss me, which I appreciate, but did hand over his card and asked that I call next week to go out to dinner. Nice enough guy. I call that a successful cuddle experiment.
Last week’s cuddle experiment didn’t go so well, though that man and I have ironed out the problems for the most part. And I still have to see his ass at the bar, which is fairly irritating. He was one of those who made a promise he had no intention of keeping, resulting in a very aggravating situation and plenty of bickering ever since. He felt that if I am attracted to him, automatically it must be assumed that sex is on the table despite what I said. Very rude. Plus he continued drinking after we had left the bar, which isn’t usually a good sign. Gotta be careful with this sort of experiment.
But the night before last, I met up with a couple of nice guys of the non-cuddling variety (at least currently) and we headed back to one of their houses to watch adult swim, listen to music, have a couple more brews, and eat pizza. That worked out well for all involved and I’d do it again. It’s always nice to find platonic settings to chill and chat. We shared some political leanings (though plenty of differences too) so the conversation rolled on energetically for hours.
But see…the key word here is mutual. Put sex in the equation and suddenly everything goes slanted, nine times out of ten.
Sex is overrated anyway. Don’t get me wrong, I love it too, but how much is casual sex really worth? Especially with someone you don’t really know and trust? Not too fucking much, I’ll tell you that. Particularly when the man isn’t concerning himself with what you may want. Basically you’re working and not reaping any rewards, and I don’t know about you but working off the clock isn’t my thing. Not for someone who doesn’t appreciate my efforts that much. Talking and cuddling is worth so much more.
But I’m a cuddle bug. Apparently a “sexist,” “cold-hearted” one to boot. lol 
People always talk about how “dangerous” my lifestyle is, going home and cuddling people I don’t know and all, but really we’re all just people here. I guess all the fear mongering just doesn’t penetrate. There are absolutely risks and sometimes you do wind up hurt, but that’s true with anything. My goal is to minimize the risks to the best of my ability while still attaining that which I seek. Staying home may reduce my risks but it also cuts me off from the touch of others and keeps me naive. But then again, I’ve been doing this sort of thing for so long that it’s become second nature by now.
Besides, showing affection to one another shouldn’t be risky business. “Tis a pity that it is.
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