Well, everything’s changed. I won’t be moving west any longer and am now in the process of looking for another apartment locally. Why? Well, doubts began to set in last weekend and then, on Wednesday, new concerns came to light. I’m sure it’s probably nothing major to worry about, but since I have a clinic here in this county that provides coverage for those of us who are uninsured (which doesn’t exist in the next state over), it may be best to stick around until everything is looked at and tested if necessary. Kind of uncomfortable talking about it really…I found this marble-size lump in my left breast while massaging it Wednesday night. Yeah, it’s probably nothing, but can you take a chance on this sort of thing these days? I mean, if I move now, I’ll not only be looking for another doctor in a clinic that likely doesn’t provide the coverage that my current one does but also will have to seek out new employment and relearn a city, all while living with a housemate. Scary times, man.
Ugh. Plans always change. But this is probably for the best. My day job business is picking up for the holiday season so it would be a shame to leave just yet. Besides, I had a weird feeling about this move for a week prior, culminating in a couple of restless nights last weekend where I tossed and turned and just couldn’t shake this worry that something was wrong. Like maybe I’m making a big mistake, forever following my flighty tendency to relocate every 1.5 years to somewhere else. Maybe this time I should ignore the urge and realize that there comes a time to settle down, root myself in a community, and tend to a project long-term instead of always starting over again. Moving is fascinating and worthwhile, but perhaps there’s something to be said about joining and embracing a community as well. Maybe this is part of growing up or growing tired…I don’t know. But the lump solidified my choice, sealing my fate in this community for the time being. The doctor’s appointment is scheduled for this Monday, so I’ll know more after then.
My grandma reassured me that it’s nothing to worry about most likely. She had lumps as a younger person too, and they never turned out to be cancerous. So we’re keeping the faith that this too shall pass.
But just imagine if I had had the money to travel internationally, only to discover this while overseas. Ooh. That wouldn’t have been good at all. Or even after a move across state lines. This state has social programs for the uninsured and clinics that work with women where as the other state unfortunately does not (known from previously living there).
So, for now, this is how it will be. And I’m okay with that. Something inside keeps telling me to be still, so I will listen. Right now I have to head out to see an apartment, so I’ll write more later.
Newsvine
Safiyyah said
Maybe it’s just a fibrocystic thing … like your grandma said, it is common in younger women. It’s good that you’re getting it check out
A hug to you, dear!
wakemenow said
Thanks Safiyyah.
Well, I went to the doctor on Monday and they referred me on to a local hospital to have it tested without giving me any indication one way or another on whether I should be worried about this. Just a “nope, we don’t deal with that here,” and that was it. Then why have me come in to tell me that? And the coverage through the clinic isn’t applicable for this anyway, come to find out, so I’m back to the default mode of uninsured.
My grandma and I discussed it and just aren’t convinced it’s something I need to be worrying about right now. Likely it’s no big deal and just a harmless, fluid-filled cyst (as Safiyyah and others have mentioned). So we’re going to wait through the holidays and if it’s still around afterward perhaps I’ll go in to have it checked. No use going into debt just to be told there’s nothing to worry about. Obviously if it gets larger or becomes tender I’ll consider having it looked at sooner.
So that’s that. For now anyway. It had me worried for a few days there but I’ve since calmed down and am back to hunting for a local apartment. The way I see it is it’s just one more “omen” to suggest that maybe moving out of town isn’t the best idea right now, and my friends agree. Nature’s way of telling me to sit still and reminding me to take better care of myself.