It’s been a week since my last post so it’s time to pop on and say “hello.” This Christmas was interesting, to say the least. Between moving earlier in the week and visiting with a friend near the end, I’m tapped out physically and emotionally. It’s overall been mostly good, though the not-so-good parts have been weighing on my mind heavily the last couple of days.
As for the new apartment…much cozier than the last one. We’re heading over to the old place tomorrow to clean the carpet and grab a few more bags and whatnot. The rodents are all still over there, awaiting transport, though I’ve been stopping by daily. The cats are loving the new place, and I’ve promised them less dust this time around. The dishwasher is a godsend and is exactly what I wanted for Christmas. 
There’s plenty of work to do around here unpacking and eventually decorating, which I’m looking forward to. I have some nice things though you’d never know it since half of them were left in boxes over the last two years. Didn’t raise much of a finger in the last place to make it feel homey since my mind obviously was elsewhere.
Talked to my family and friends over the holidays, which was nice. Everyone seems to be doing pretty well. Still have a card to send off to one family member, but otherwise my timing in gift-giving was better this year. Gave out baggie gifts to my day job clients and sent out these cute promo holiday cards. Hopefully that will help generate new business in the new year.
Haven’t seen any “man clients” in a couple of weeks now. Maybe next week we’ll all be settled enough to reconnect.
Hmmm…as for my personal life. Not sure if I’ve mentioned the latest dating decision: from here on out, I’m setting a 6 month restriction on personal life sex. Yep, I said it and you have no idea how much I mean it. “Mr. Leo” of a couple posts back was just the last in a looong string of stupid dating/friendship-seeking disappointments. Can’t make friends with men when sex is involved, so it seems, and I’m through with feeling disposable. My clients and friends treat me with respect, so that’s who I’m sticking with. Anyone else will just have to take the time for us to get to know one another. And that means without the overnight cuddle sessions. Sexual intimacy means too much to me to continue to have it abused by disrespectful jerks hunting for a quick fling.
The bar scene has proven (once again) to be such a crock that I’m back to avoiding it for the time being. Nothing good has ever come from the bar scene, except perhaps meeting one former galpal. Such a waste of time and money. Besides, every bar in this town has 5 televisions, all tuned to sports.
None of that should be confused with my New Year’s Resolution, which is being rolled over from last year. Just as before: continue practicing how to shut the fuck up. Sounds harsh but I prefer the bluntness. My mouth gets me in more trouble than I’m worth sometimes.
Not sure how I’ll be spending New Year’s Eve, my favorite holiday. Usually I wander out to a bar alone and mingle with my fellow bar patrons, but this year it would be nice to switch it up a bit. Considering how unappetizing hanging out with the typical bar crowd sounds right now and all. The champagne toast is what matters most but that can be had at home alone. I don’t know yet. Knowing me, I’ll probably go to some bar, against my better judgment.
Ya know, it’s been a good holiday and I’m very glad a friend came to visit. But I can’t help but be left with this melancholy, drained feeling. Kind of a heartsick nervousness that comes with personal life drama, particularly when it involves someone I care deeply about. The sting of embarrassment from an unforeseen and uncomfortable conversation with a friend still lingers and has my nerves knotted a bit. It will pass, as it always does, but I wish my words at the time could have made clearer sense. The recent recognition of the depth of my trust issues continues to perplex me as I thought the past had passed or at least settled down enough to where I wouldn’t be reduced to tears by the very thought of growing closer to someone I already care for and know well. Ugh. So frustrated with myself right now, not for how I feel but because of my inability to express it like a “normal” human being. These sort of things, issues of love and whatnot, make me extremely uncomfortable. The closer I feel to the person, the more emotionally freaked out I apparently become. It’s the one true fear I can’t deny. Its grip is amazing, agitating, suffocating. Why? I guess because to love and trust is to take a risk that scares the hell out of me. The risk of being abandoned or rejected or intensely disappointed by someone I cherish and respect is just so much to bear. Too much.
We all experience pain though. No way to avoid it and poisoning the good doesn’t solve a thing. I’m ready to move on. Or at least I think I am. That terrible pain blinds me just remembering it, but not everyone is her and not every relationship will suffer the same outcome. Intellectually, I understand this. My knee-jerk emotions have a harder time coming to grips with the number of years that have passed. Like a person living with PTSD, that part of your psyche never leaves the scene of that day, never forgets. But you can’t change it. Can’t undo the damage. Can’t pretend to not be heart-broken.
It’s so weird because I know inside none of this even matters. It’s just a knee-jerk fear response, that’s all. A remnant of times gone by. I’ve grown and am not the same person as back then. Trust is an option today. Some people do consider me lovable now.
So, while I’m sad and a bit frustrated this week, I’m also very happy. The patience my friends show toward me is unbelievable and I cherish them very much. I can see into the not-so-distant future and envision myself as a stronger person working with the help of others to overcome this hurdle. It’s not real outside of my own mind and I do possess the power, with support from my friends, to open a new chapter in life and learn to let go. Healing can take a lifetime, they say, but progress has been made.
Unfortunately, a friend had to sit up with me through that rough patch. I appreciate the help and patience, as embarrassing as it turned out to be. He’s been really wonderful over the years. I just didn’t want to see our friendship get damaged, by him or me, due to carelessness or what have you. But I don’t think it will be. We’re healthier people than we once were and our relationship is strong. I trust that.
Just so hard not to withdraw in fear of history repeating. But that’s not what I want ruling my actions and choices from here on out.
Do you know why I think I date assholes generally? Because it allows me to keep a bit of an emotional distance. Probably born out of a touch of self-righteousness. Always wanting to be the good guy, the better of the two, at least in some sense. When you date a tremendous jerk, like a guy I dated a few years ago, there’s a perk in not really caring where the relationship ends up. But attachments always happen and before you know it, you’re seriously resenting a man like that. Lack of integrity, lack of concern, lack of conscience, lack of heart – these are ways to describe probably most of the men I once pined for. Why be attracted to that? We wound up hating one another. We would tear one another apart with bickering and fighting, insults and suspicions. That was no way to live, hence why I’ve chosen to stay out of romantic relationships for a good long while now.
Those days are over though. Maybe someday I’ll quit bringing it up. 
On a brighter note, my ex-husband and I were able to exchange holiday well-wishes via text message this year. That’s a first in a long time for us. It’s nice being civil with him nowadays, though I’m not sure how much more we’ll communicate in the future. Either way, I’m pleased since this provides a good dose of closure on the most positive note I could hope for. Very cool.
So anyway…to quote Scarlett: tomorrow is another day. And I’m looking forward to it. Things are good and it’s time to just give myself permission to enjoy it for everything it’s worth.
May 2009 be a better year for all of us. 
(Yeah, I’m on a roll with the smileys tonight. hehe)
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novice101 said
We all can do with more good tidings, so here are my Best Wishes for a Merry Christmas and a Great 2009!
http://novice101.wordpress.com/2008/12/25/it-is-christmas-day/