This year has been nuts, plain and simple. It turned out nothing like I expected, beginning on a sour note only to go off the deep end in the middle before ending with my graduation and the decision to remain living in the area. It’s been a transitional year in a number of ways, the obvious being the shedding of the role of college student (for now anyways), but then there are all these weird transformations going on inside too. For example, my perception of and relationship with prostitution evolving toward a more positive space, away from the industry and escorting and toward a form of companionship that’s more suitable. Then there’s all this confusion and cynicism over political and economic matters, which has had to be placed on the back burner as I decompress and focus on my personal affairs.
On one hand, I feel more enlightened and empowered from my studies in 2008. On the other hand, I’m infinitely less confident in conditions improving anytime soon. In terms of our political landscape, 2009 likely won’t usher in the utopia the Obama camp keeps chattering about. But oh well. All we can do is wait and see what the future holds. I’m nervous not so much about the coming year but of those to follow.
The more I learn, the less confident I feel discussing it, oddly enough. There are some fantastic orators and writers out there, so it’s easier just point others to their articles and speeches. I’m not sure what all I believe anymore, but I am more clear on my own values. Seems like every time I open my mouth, whether to joke or take part in a discussion, I come off far more cynical and angry than my peers. Which seems kinda strange considering how much more calm I feel compared to this time last year. It’s giving me a bit of a complex, making conversations of this nature fairly uncomfortable with pretty much everybody.
Probably doesn’t help that I still smoke the green. Ah well. We all have vices. Hey, at least the 20s drinking phase tapered off and I’m tending to my business better these days.
The man clients (as we will continue to call them) are all behaving well as of late, so that’s a plus. After years of seeing one another, we appear to have reached an understanding. The hobbyist mentality got under my skin so deeply that I contemplated leaving this profession altogether, especially in 2007. It’s nice to finally be at a point where the drama has died down, the hobbyist types have moved on, and I can focus on providing comfort to my small, vetted group of quality clients. Once the enjoyment had diminished, I promised myself it would be time to move on to another field rather than risk intense jading. It’s nice to know that almost 6 years later, even though the game has changed, I’m still holding ground. Overall, I’d say it’s been a successful adaptation, severing ties with “the hobby” side of this profession and instead turning my attention to those who genuinely appreciate the company and are motivated by more than mere ego.
*sigh* Hobbyists. What can be said about them other than so many appear to be seriously misguided? I suppose to each their own, but that doesn’t mean I have to cater to their interests. Plenty of other women are willing to, so let them. That’s not to say some of the hobbyist men aren’t nice enough guys, just that they’re living in a fantasy land. When you pay to have sex with women so that you can write reviews to be used to (figuratively) measure cocks with other men, you probably need to rethink your idea of a hobby. lol The online side of the industry came to feel like working as a hooters girl in a men’s locker room. Sure, there were some friendly folks, but the hierarchy they were creating just didn’t jibe with me. Basically, it’s an emerging middle-class pastime for the bored and curious. Like fantasy football. Which is fine, I guess, if they enjoy that sort of thing. Personally, it weirded me out over time.
Anyway…that melancholy feeling is still lingering. Not sure why. Maybe it’s just because of the holidays, but this time around didn’t seem so tough. I do miss my grandparents though. Christmas didn’t feel very Christmas-y this year.
All in all, 2008 was oddball. Enough said.
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