Whether I mean to or not, it’s tough not reminiscing about my mom from time to time. When I think of her, it’s usually not in anger but in sadness. Lately, probably because of the holidays, she’s been crossing my mind again. Then again, anytime a problem breaks out I have a tendency to miss her a little.
You know, no matter how much time elapses, I still can’t think about her for more than a few minutes without tearing up. When that feeling of missing her comes to me, I know it’s not really her I miss but the figure that’s supposed to occupy her space in my heart. Because she’s just not capable of love, for whatever reasons. Not toward me or anyone else so it seems.
After talking with and being raised mostly by her mother, my grandma, I’ve come to see that my mom had problems early on in life. The car accident that gave her a concussion as a baby we now think may have done some frontal lobe damage. Based on observing her behavior and personality, I’d say that’s probably the most likely theory. She won’t go in and see a psychiatrist on her own and I doubt even then we’d ever know for certain. But it helps in a way knowing this because it explains why she gave up on me or whatever we’re supposed to refer to it as. I still don’t know exactly where she stood in those decisions back then, but I know where we stand now. She’s gone and I can’t have her back.
Sadly, it’s for the best that she stay away. She can’t seem to not hurt those who care for her. It’s more than I care to explain tonight but she lives in a dream world of sorts. Her version of reality is seriously skewed and is rewritten in her mind so frequently that she often loses track of the actual truth. It’s kinda weird and makes conversations about past events a moot issue. You can’t trust a word out of her mouth because she lies without even necessarily meaning to. Just a spontaneous impulse, I guess.
Being her daughter has been challenging, to say the least. Could have been worse, right, but I wouldn’t want to go through all that a second time. Life is better these days, but how do you not think about her from time to time? It sometimes feels like thinking about a ghost because she can’t come back.
Sometimes though I wonder if half of my issues with the people I attract and select doesn’t have something to do with our dynamics. I’m drawn to emotionally-detached or obstructed people for reasons I do not know. Mom is that way by nature and can’t apparently help it. I am a very emotional, sensitive person so people like that really damage my spirit. But then again, I’m surrounded by boundaries and imaginary walls when getting close to people, where I just shut down and don’t know how to go any further. But this all has been improving over time. So long as I try my best to avoid people like that. Boer had some similar narcissistic tendencies, sans the head injury. When he springs to mind, she shortly follows.
I don’t have a point to any of this. Just rambling and thinking “out loud.” She missed just about every major event in my life thus far and likely will miss the rest. Which, again, is probably for the best. But that reality still sucks when I stop and think about it. She’d only be mean-spirited if she did show up to anything anyway. Just how she is.
Still I miss her sometimes. What I remember of her from the earlier years mostly. Sometimes I do feel bad for her and wish she could have healed back then. If that’s what’s wrong with her. She’s walking and working but looks through me like a stranger, someone she doesn’t even recognize. Oh, she knows it’s me but she’s able to block it out. That’s just so cold. I don’t miss that but it’s all that’s left anymore.
Thank god I have a wonderful, loving grandma. I guess in that way things have evened out.
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