Been thinking today. A friend and I spoke about it earlier and grandma and I discussed it tonight. Seems to me, now that I’ve had a chance to calm down over the last few days, that there’s no revenge that will do a lick of good in this situation. Bad-mouthing and aggressive talking helped vent out the emotions on here, but it doesn’t change a thing. Personal guilt – that’s what belongs to him now. Assuming he’s capable of experiencing it, which I believe he is. He knows, I know, and he knows that I know what all went down here wasn’t fair. Doesn’t matter who all else knows or what they believe. We know and that’s what counts. And hopefully that will be what motivates him to change his course for the better.
I got to thinking that maybe, though I no longer trust this man, I am doing him and myself a disservice by not maintaining some amount of faith that he’ll do the right thing, whatever that may be. I always believed in him up until now, and while there are plenty of reasons to doubt, it seems that his conscience would have to motivate him eventually to work on his personal/clerical issues. Because there are two ways to look at it, as I see it: 1.) He can cling to the church as some form of job security in uncertain economic times and behave out of fear of losing this, or 2.) He can decide to work hard toward being the kind of priest the Catholic church so desperately needs, honoring that love he claims for it and acting in accordance to the beliefs he professes to others. In the first scenario, he’d be doing it for all the wrong reasons IMO and likely someday will stray once that fear begins to subside. I prefer the second scenario, where he actively seeks answers in his own life, and instead of hiding behind a role and title, he actually earns it. If you haven’t kept your promises, you haven’t earned it.
Let’s elaborate on the second scenario. Now, I’m not advocating that the man remain a priest, only that he live in accordance with the values he professes. If he cannot do this while serving in the priesthood, then it only seems right that he step down (not wait to be forced out due to improper conduct). But if it’s truly his “calling” then I’d like to see him succeed, not for himself but for the people he claims to be trying to help. Because I did some research last night online and read about how severe the priest shortage really is in America. They actually have fewer priests today than was projected a decade back, due in part to the numerous sex scandals that came to light. He and I have spoken about this some, but I hadn’t realized just how much fire the Catholic church and religion has been coming under this past decade. Oh sure, I’d heard the jokes and have seen the newscasts. Even watched a documentary a couple months back about Father Oliver O’Grady titled “Deliver Us From Evil”. But only recently have I come to think about this trend and ponder the possible fallout from these sensationalized scandals.
Care to know what I think?
I think that being a priest in this day and age carries a whole host of responsibilities, an important one being to help heal the church. If you’re lying, sneaking, tricking, and leading a double-life, you’re just part of the problem. And it’s a great problem that’s only getting greater. To come in and exploit the Catholics at this moment in time would take one sinister bastard, and I just can’t believe my former friend could be capable of that. I’d hope he’d leave before allowing himself to fall that far. So, I’m thinking that if he and others are going to stay, they have a moral responsibility to act right or they will be hurting the cause they claim to love so much.
A commitment is necessary so get over all that commitment-phobia talk or walk. It does take a commitment, to love something else more than you love your own self, to not only devote yourself to it but also to work on your own personal problems in order to be better in the vocation you’ve chosen. If you stay and work with these people, after pretending to be someone you’re not, don’t you have an obligation to be the best priest you can be from here on out? For them. Not for yourself. And not just superficial appearances. Otherwise walk ’cause you’re just part of the damn problem. If you love the church as you say you do and believe all those scriptures, then figure out how to be that as an honest, decent man. Heal the church that’s torn apart by selfishness, greed, lust and lies by becoming a better man. It’s all I’ve ever wanted for you, or for either of us for that matter. But if you’re gonna do it, do it. None of this half-assed “trying” shit. I’m tired of hearing about how you’ll try. Do it or get off the pot.
Besides, there’s no shame in admitting you don’t want to live a celibate life. Most folks don’t want to. And they manage to serve their god(s) nonetheless. He could too. It’s an inflated ego that wraps him up in that role and title, and he knows it. Doesn’t want to let it go. Enjoys its perks. Well, you’re not supposed to have those perks if you’re not living like you promised to. There are other ways to serve your god out here among the rest of the folks, and you’re not so special you can’t join the ranks. Lots of people do it. In fact, the vaaast majority.
So, what’s it going to be? Only you can decide. If you work hard and learn to pull that wool from your eyes, you won’t have a reason to fear past secrets catching up with you. I want to have faith that you will be a better man someday. I really do.
Newsvine
wakemenow said
And that’s enough with addressing him. Our relationship is over. From here on out, that chapter is closed. I’m beginning a new one now, to learn and grow from all that’s passed and put the focus back on my own journey.
I’ve berated him enough for this episode. Call it the consequence of hurting someone you love, but it’s come to an end, so long as he doesn’t cross my radar again under negative terms. I will continue pondering the topics and questions he brought into my life in hope of uncovering some benefit for my own self.