Ya know, I’ve always been one to fancy a little somethin’-somethin’ to help calm my nerves, to relieve inhibitions, or just plain as a sleep aid. But then there’s this puritanical part of me that always feels guilty for indulging.
This is what I get for being born to a family mostly comprised of tee-totalers. My grandfather and I being the only cigarette smokers, him being a past alcoholic and me being a bit of a bar-hound in years passed. The comparisons must have given me a complex.
Now that I’ve switched over to marijuana in recent years and all but abandoned the bar scene in recent months, I can’t help but feel guilty for feeling it necessary to have a “crutch” or a medicinal “release valve.” But dammit, I do. Most folks do, at least on occasion. Hard to get through this life without something to take the edge off from time to time. Maybe the illegality of weed and its associated stigma is what makes it seem worse, but then again, drinking didn’t make me too proud of myself either. Oh sure, I enjoy(ed) drinking (before alcohol began burning my belly), and while the hangovers sometimes sucked, it didn’t feel as though it left a lasting haziness the way marijuana tends to.
My irritation is in my lack of careful moderation. Oh sure, I smoke herb and drink alcohol less than plenty of folks, but that’s not the point. Most folks aren’t as big of lightweights as I happen to be. Plus it screws with my motivation levels, will to exercise, and appears to hamper my conversational style (probably more to do with self-conscious paranoia when chatting up straight-laced people). So I need to reduce the amount smoked, plain as that. But some of my close friends partake, making it a fun pastime while in their company, though maybe that’s what it needs to be restricted to. Which it primarily is, aside from a bowl or two here and there supplied by a buddy. But still I feel guilty.
Can’t go back to drinking since the hangovers suck a little worse now days and my stomach cannot tolerate it without a hearty meal beforehand. Alcohol was forced into moderation because my belly is a wuss and because driving while intoxicated was a stupid risk that never should have taken place. Living and learning. Never did run over anyone or wreck my vehicle too badly (asiding from hitting those mile markers that one time), but why keep pressing my luck? The good thing is I don’t care for driving stoned, being confined generally to a familiar place where I can sit here and ramble on the Internet. Much better than having me out at bars, mingling with con-artists and wannabe-gigolos.
I guess it worries me to give up smoking by half and not replacing it with something else. The gameplan is for exercise to fill the void, providing natural endorphins to clear my mind and keep me happy. And that all sounds great and fine and all, but I get really nervous when the topic of reducing the amount of cigarettes I smoke comes up. Ugh. That’s pretty much where I have to draw the line, dammit. I am allowed one vice in excess!
Sobriety would do me good. Wouldn’t do everyone good, but it will help me in feeling more grounded. It’s funny to type this because people have no way of understanding how much of a lightweight I am and how little it takes to alter my little reality. lol We’re talking small quantities here, folks, needing to be further reduced because I’m a puss. 
But still, it causes me irritation with myself enough to where I’m tired of hearing myself bitch. haha
There are benefits to low tolerance levels, as frustrating as they may be. Try as I might, my tolerance never increases by much, and I’ve had years of practice. Maybe some of us just aren’t cut out for much. Don’t like to take pills or even ibuprofins unless absolutely necessary. Anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medications either put me in a stupor or result in doing something completely out of character, like joining the military. Can’t hang with alcohol and never could with hard liquor. Most of the “hard” drugs scare me.
Dammit. I need a new drug. One that won’t make me sick. One different from all others currently in existence. 
Newsvine
