Well, I guess there isn’t much to tell. Now that I’ve gotten a good night’s sleep and am back from work this afternoon, my mind has settled down and the shock is wearing off. This is nothing new, even if it has been a long time since she last tried pulling a stunt like this.
My mother wrote this weekend saying that a 20-year-old boy she’d roomed with previously who had come from a bad background with strict, religious parents had made her think about our relationship and the hurt I must have experienced in the past. Sounds nice and all to an outsider, but we’ve been through this routine countless times before. She has moments of guilt or boredom where she calls or writes me saying she misses having a daughter, only to change her mind a couple months later when something else comes along to distract her attention or once it becomes apparent that actual work will be involved in rebuilding our broken relations. This occurred when I was 14, again when I was 15, briefly when I was 16, and again (the last time) when I was 20.
In the last 8 years she hasn’t attempted contact with me but once to send a letter to my stepdad’s house, offering financial advice of all things and that was all (shortly before her own house was foreclosed on). Besides that, we have seen one another on a few occasions during that time, like when she drove up to drop my little brother off and when I stopped by her apartment to see my brother. She’d look at me as though I were complete stranger, no emotion whatsoever, seeing straight through me, saying nothing at all. I would simply say “hello” and go about whatever business had brought me there, with her stepping to the side and ignoring my presence. Never spoke my name or acknowledged me, treating me as if I had in fact died as she had previously declared.
People like to say, “But that’s your mother. You have to try and work it out with her.” To which I must reply: they haven’t met my mother. I have tried, countless times, spending countless days and nights worrying about her, missing her deeply. She had me at her beck and call for most of my life, ready and willing to drop everything and go running when she decided she wanted me back. Only to be sorely disappointed time and time and time again. When she said over the phone that she didn’t have a daughter and that I had died, I assumed she was done with me. That was back in the summer of 2000 during what was supposed to be a call to tell her I was to be married a few months later. Then, strangely enough, she popped back up a year-and-a-half later trying to befriend me once again with no mention of that soul-stomping phone conversation, only to turn psycho a few months later, which resulted in me putting an end to our contact myself for the first time ever.
During that last attempt in 2001 which span a few months, she would call me in an angry mood over god knows what (probably her own failed marriage) and berate me for gaining weight, saying that my young marriage would soon fail too and that my husband would surely cheat on me. Very cruel things she would say in trying to get a rise out of me, but I never yelled at her, never fought with her, just let her run her mouth. Until she mailed that weird letter where she ranted and raved about things I still don’t understand to this day, saying odd things like she’d told my stepdad I wanted him dead and I’d never get my hands on his money, yada yada. He and I weren’t even on speaking terms back then and I’ve never held any illusions about receiving a penny from that man for anything. Mostly I just remember her scrawling in big print down near the bottom: “YOU LOSE!!!” And that’s when I’d had enough of her nonsense fantasies and wicked whims and left a message on her phone telling her so in no uncertain terms. This marked the end for me.
We don’t really know one another at all, having not had a conversation of any depth in a long, long time…if ever. What I know of her nowadays comes from my brother, her baby son. And it wasn’t but two years ago that she decided to commit identity fraud and theft against him using his social security number to rack up debts in his name through credit cards and student loans he had not authorized. He was barely 20 at the time and didn’t discover it until checking his credit report at age 21. She put her own sweet son in $15,000 worth of debt, with one of her big purchases from that being a new treadmill. And here, a year beyond that, she hasn’t apologized or accepted responsibility for paying this debt, forcing my brother to fill out a police report (though refusing to press charges) in order to have some of the debt stricken from his record. His father (my stepdad) might have helped with some of the repayments, I don’t know, but last I heard my brother still owes $3,000 of it, saying he intends to pay it himself and not press her further. Why? Because he wishes to remain in contact with this woman and knows there’s no other way to do so. She will not repay this debt just as she hasn’t repaid most others.
So when she contacted me, I was already expecting she’d do so in her endless hunt for money. But my brother says this shouldn’t be her reason since she’s working full-time again and finally living in affordable housing with roommates instead of attempting to live far beyond her means (as was previously her norm). As soon as the child support and alimony ran out, I figured she’d come calling eventually and am still not convinced this isn’t her purpose now.
She told my brother this 20-year-old roommate she’d kept had inspired her to rekindle relations with me. In her letter this weekend, she stated that observing the intense hurt in this young man from his own upbringing inspired her to consider my point-of-view and emotions. She went on to say that she now wants to help me heal, but I can’t help but cry foul on this renewed attempt at contact. No, I don’t believe she’s changed. And I also don’t believe she knows a damned thing about me nor does she really care to. She wrote about this boy and her admiration for him, but she could say nothing about me because she knows nothing. The email was pretty odd, talking about this young man’s interest in erotic art, that being the only parallel she could knowingly draw between the two of us, though it isn’t relative in any way to our issues and inability to see eye-to-eye. Differences in art wasn’t our problem, nor was religion, nor was my rebellion. Our problems run deeper than that sort of thing.
I haven’t the foggiest idea what to say to her now, so many years later when I’m finally content with my life without her in it. My first instinct was to write back in anger to say that she shouldn’t contact me again. The second was to ignore and delete these emails. But I’ve chosen to take my time mulling it over, listening to advice from other members of my family, particularly my grandparents (the people who truly parented me).
It leaves me feeling guilty either way I turn. If I deny her, people say I’m the heartless one bent on holding grudges. But if I allow this woman back in my life, it’s pretty much a given that she will wreak havoc as she customarily does. She is not a kind, gentle woman, nor a decent role model, nor a loving parent. She is cold, distant, angry, bitter, and very much resentful and likes to take it out on others. Her anger towards me revolves around my commitment to my grandparents, her parents, whom she disowned back in 1990 along with the rest of that side of the family and her siblings. Yet they raised me and showed me love like she never could, so I must remain loyal to them. They are my family and my light. They taught me values and respect and unconditional love. They took me in when she put me out, just as they cared for me in infancy when she refused to do so. Her hatred for them is beyond my ability to comprehend since it stems from years long before I was born, but she has always made it a point to guilt me into taking sides, a choice I could not make, having love for all of them. But now if I am to expected to make that choice, I’ve chosen to walk without her.
It takes more than birthing a child to be a parent. Parenting is a labor of love that does involve sacrifice and resilience. My mother never understood this and I’m not sure she can even now in her late 40s. She likely misses me because thoughts of her own mortality have set in and she realizes that dying without the love and help from her children will be despairing. But she has her son, so long as she doesn’t screw relations with him completely. He is a tolerant young man with more patience for her shenanigans than I can muster. Besides, she probably has many years to go before seriously worrying about that.
I don’t know if I will be there in the end for her. It’s difficult to say right now, but I do know that her presence isn’t desired currently. Not after being bitten so many times and having grown too shy to try again. People expect me to be the stronger of the two, to stand up and “do what’s right” and forgive her, but she’s never truly asked for my forgiveness nor does she seem to understand her impact on my life or anyone else’s. All I wish for is to be left alone by her to pursue whatever happiness is possible, spending time with those who actually love me and show it, learning about life without being slapped down at every turn. The heartache she claims to wish to heal now has hardened over as I’m growing up and learning to become more resilient myself so as to be able to show true love to others. People like her are setbacks on that path, so far as I can tell. They want love but can’t give it; they make demands but have nothing to offer.
Peace of mind is all I’ve ever wanted. When she pulls these stunts it disrupts my peace by casting doubts and creating guilt feelings. I never wished to hurt her, but she can’t seem to do anything but. So…I’ve come to believe I’m better off without her in my life. Perhaps things would be different if I believed she truly is trying to make amends, but her track record sounds like more of the same ol’-same ol’. Maybe someday things will be different from what they’ve always been, but in the meantime, I do have a responsibility to my own self to keep my life in order and afloat, whether she tries disrupting it or not.
I haven’t decided what to say to her yet.
Newsvine
wakemenow said
Ya know, after writing this and hanging out with a friend this evening it’s dawned on me that I’m straight up tired of this. I’ve been talking this woman up and down for years, rehashing our problems over and over again in my mind. Where does it end? I’m ready to move on and close that chapter of hurt once and for all. It’s been analyzed and reconsidered to death. My emotional health has improved in recent years (in part anyway, hehe) and I see no reason to continue revisiting what went wrong between the two of us.
When she wrote she wants to help me heal, all I can think is how she’d be better served to focus on healing herself. I’ve recouped pretty well, and while resentments linger, it’s not about us these days. It’s about me and other people. If she has a question to ask or wants to discuss some of this, we can, but I’m not excited or interested in rekindling anything beyond email. Our issues mostly reside in her so there isn’t much we together can work on when she’s still running around misbehaving. Maybe I really don’t know her anymore, but that’s been a result of her doings and her choosing. And now I’m just not all that interested unless we’re going to go straight to the nitty-gritty and forget all the posturing and bullshit.
I don’t have the patience for it this time around otherwise. My life is full and rich now and I don’t intend to welcome her into with open arms so she can do her worst at muddling it up. Tired of that. Tired of her mean-spirited remarks about people I love (including me) and her flip-flopping mood swings. Most of all I’m tired of her rejection. Either she can come correct or not worry with coming to me at all.
That’s how I feel about it now. And perhaps I’ll spell it out to her soon.
wakemenow said
Wrote her back and was blunt and direct. The ball stays in my court if we’re to communicate, restricting this to email only into the foreseeable future. Told her she needs to work on healing herself and I don’t want to hear all the hateful stuff about her parents anymore.
That’s the best I could do. Couldn’t have asked for more from me. Just wrote straight-forward and honestly. Told her I do wish her well.
What the hell? Is this some sort of life test? lol When it rains, it pours. First the weather threats down south, then mom, then my stepdad behaving my like a pain-in-the-butt this weekend, then mom again. On top of the peripheral stuff like the sad events occurring in my friends’ lives. But at least most of us have our health and relative sanity. hehe Man, the daze wore off this evening as I’m sliding back into grips with where everyday life left off. Out-of-the-blue blasts from the past tend to knock me out of orbit, but that’s growing more slight as time goes on, thankfully. Can’t change others, only ourselves, right?
Time to move on to other matters and let the dust resettle.
wakemenow said
We’ve gone back and forth a few times now. She’s being pretty evasive and vague so far as offering up any detailed explanations for her actions. I’m not giving up much info on myself since I don’t want her turning and using it for ill, self-serving purposes. She does that shit so you have to be careful.
Talked to my papa about it yesterday and grandma tonight. They both wish well for her but we’re all at a loss as to what the heck is up with her. Mom has lived in a fantasy land so long I’m not sure she can distinguish it from reality. A teetotaler, she’s never used drugs or drank, so it’s not anything like that. Just a mixed up woman…
Not sure what to do with her now since the complete lack of trust keeps us shackled in place. I don’t want anything from her except a kept promise to not inflict senseless harm and/or vindictiveness on me or the ones I love. She freaks me out a bit with her unpredictability, but I’ve spoken straight with her, pulling and putting up with no bullshit. But my aim isn’t to be cruel or to maliciously berate her. What’s done is done and can’t be changed. I’ve learned to love my life and simply don’t want it trampled on again. That’s all.
She was always free to come back around if she’d only act right. Which she never does.
wolfshowl said
I think your mom and my mom are soulmates.
I know exactly what you mean about people retorting with “but she’s *your mom.* She’s the only one you’ve got.”
Some people just don’t get that there’s such a thing as being better off with no mother than having a psychobitch for one.
I say, good on you for having the balls to cut her out.
wakemenow said
Yeah, no mother is better than a psychobitch for one usually. I agree. But I lucked out with having loving grandparents, which kinda helps offset the rest. Didn’t back then but it does now, reflecting back on the obscured blessings and appreciating how far I’ve come. BUT, that’s only because I got to live apart from my mother. Had I lived with her in my teens too, along with my stepdad, I’d have probably wound up in juvie. Those two drove me nuts, as did his parents. The whole lot is whack aside from my brother, perhaps less so my stepdad (maybe). It was like living in bizarro world sharing the same house as those people. lol
And that’s what I mean by feeling blessed. It was a blessing that I was able to move away to people who loved me, despite that being accompanied by a whole host of problems itself. But we lived and learned and I found unconditional love can turn a person’s life around. Had I stayed with my mother under the conditions back then there’s no telling how troubled I might’ve turned out to be.I definitely rebelled and am willing to bet it would’ve been amplified had I remained in that household. And trust me, I gave my grandparents hell enough (unfortunately, and do my best to make up for that in the years since). I’m a highly-spirited person with a penchant toward rebelling against perceived injustices and always have been. They stifle a person’s spirit in favor of maintaining strict control and authority (my stepdad anyway, but she was complicit in that). The fighting only would have escalated. My brother didn’t need to see that either.
My mother always blamed her parents and perhaps still does. In fact, that’s mostly what I remember her talking about when I was younger. She holds a grudge like no other and spun herself into a perpetual hissy about how unhappy she was about her own upbringing, making it increasingly obvious how much she resented my close relationship with her parents. This is responsible for most of the tension between us because she never could get past that and just be happy her child was being cared for. She was angry with them for as long as I knew her and has no problem admitting it. But they claim to not have abused her, as do her siblings, so it’s tough for me to understand where all her rage comes from.
My mother was the original reason I took an interest in sociology, long before I even had an inkling what that term meant. She’s such an oddity to me. I have never been able to figure her out. Is she ill? Is she off her rocker mentally? Was her brain injured back then in that car accident? Dad and brother both say no and believe she’s a normal person. But if that’s true, then what the hell is she thinking?? Ya know? Like that’s the more preposterous possibility because it doesn’t seem likely a person can be that obliviously selfish and self-centered. Especially not a mom when it comes to her kid.
I shudder at the thought of what may have come of us had she not married my stepdad and instead landed in dire straits. It could have been worse. Helps to keep it in perspective.
Following in her footsteps and crying over my parents and our past isn’t what I wish to continue doing. It’s lessened considerably over the years, especially in the last two, but I’m ready to move on even further. What’s done is done and cannot be changed. Can’t trust her though, but at least I don’t hate her. We won’t be to the open forgiveness stage anytime soon since I’m not convinced she doesn’t have more trifling stunts up her sleeve. She has a tendency to do that.
Either way, I’m treading lightly.
wakemenow said
I do not get this woman…
wakemenow said
So that it’s crystal clear: when I gripe about mom and dad and their household and side of the family, this does NOT automatically include my brother. He’s an innocent bystander in all of this and probably doesn’t understand half of what’s gone down, having never been told much. Just felt the need to clarify that. I love him very much, even if I’m still dragging ass about getting around to checking out those links he sent. He’s a good boy who means well with his heart in the right place.
wakemenow said
She wrote again tonight after a week of silence. I’ll wait to respond back to it; don’t have the energy tonight to do so.