Since we’re still (forever) on the topic of prostitution, human sexuality, ethics and morality, and the thin lines drawn all across the board, I’ll bring up another comparison between your “civie” (i.e., civilian) society and choices contrasted against sex worker ethics.
When people refer to us escorts as disgusting, disease-riddled, immoral tramps who only serve to damage society and break down the family unit, I can’t help but reflect on the countless civie examples of far more destructive, legal behaviors. Legality should not be automatically equated with morality, nor vice versa.
Here’s my recent example: a galpal, a girl in her mid-20s whom I’ve known for a while, had the misfortune of contracting an STD years back from sex forced upon her by a man she thought was her friend. She lives with this incurable malady and abstains from sex except with an ex-boyfriend who understands the situation. Until recently, that is. Having met a man at a club a few weeks back who tripped her trigger, she told him of her STD and agreed to sex with a condom. That’s all fine and dandy, save for the man having a steady girlfriend who he’s cheating on. And also, condoms don’t protect against this particular STD because it’s spread through skin-to-skin contact and skin cell “shedding” even when an outbreak isn’t present. So, basically, the two of them are engaging in risky behavior that may very well lead to an innocent bystander (his girlfriend) knowingly being contaminated. The boy knows, my galpal knows, and yet they don’t care whether his girlfriend is affected and remain dishonest to her about their affair, despite her directly confronting each of them. That sucks. The girlfriend is very young, maybe 19, around the same age my galpal was when she was forced against her will and contracted the malady.
This saddens me. Though, admittedly, I’ve taken my fair share of risks in this life, coming out as one of the lucky ones. But I felt bad about taking unnecessary risks and possibly exposing others to whatever I happened across. Hence why I’m STD-screened frequently and use condoms almost religiously. (I say “almost” because nearly everyone has at least one partner they choose to not use condoms with, myself being no exception although I have a special arrangement where he’s agreed not to see other women and I actually believe his promise and have known the man for years.) It troubles me all the time, worrying about my lifestyle and the potential consequences to myself and others, particularly the innocent bystanders. And I’ve taken steps to reduce my risks by agreeing to sex with far fewer partners in my profession and virtually eliminating sex in my personal life (which was far more unpredictable and risky and often found in the bar scene).
I try not to judge, especially when my own conduct is questionable, but I would never knowingly expose an innocent third-party to an STD. Why do that? Why when you’ve suffered from stigma and physical pain as a result of this affliction? Why behave carelessly with the well-being of others like that? I mean, his girlfriend point-blank asked them if they were having an affair, and they lied. Why not tell her the truth so she can leave? Why not tell the man to call you when he’s no longer in a relationship?
Yeah, I hear myself. And I see where that thin line is. In my personal life, I choose not to mess with men in relationships because it doesn’t seem fair to anyone involved. Professionally, it does seem more fair because we construct boundaries to keep emotions at bay and squelch any expectations for a true romantic affair. And we use protection and engage in safe sex practices to the best of our ability, which includes avoiding sex with anyone with a known STD or visible signs or bumps. I actually inspect a man’s penis, pretending as though I’m massaging him, getting down between his legs and checking him out visually prior to oral sex. The men don’t know this unless there’s a problem. I actually had a man years back with yellow nodes on his testicles that I could see from across the room, never even having touched him. He claimed they were “calcium deposits.” I left immediately and refunded him fully, trembling all the way down the elevator. Being careful about how you treat your body is extremely important when it has potential to affect the lives of your clients.
You don’t see that sort of caution in your civie world. No concern for being your brothers’ and sisters’ keeper. Little concern for the other people involved indirectly, going so far in the situation described above to where my galpal openly refers to his girlfriend, a young woman she’s never met, as a “bitch” and a “whore,” casually dismissing all thoughts of her health and well-being and getting angry at me for bringing it up. Her words to me were: “Whose side are you on?” Hmm. That sucks.
I may not be right, but this is flat-out wrong.
Newsvine
wakemenow said
Back again to say I’m really torn in this situation. On one hand, I don’t feel it’s fair to judge others harshly without acknowledging our own wrongdoing and carelessness, which I do try to do; on the other, it’s pure bullshit sitting by idly and keeping my opinions to myself.
Is a friend only of value when they’re praising you and making you feel good about yourself? I ask my friends to be honest with me even if it does hurt my feelings, but that’s where she and I differ. She wants me to keep out of her business…while she describes it to me in lurid detail. I want her to be able to talk with me openly, however, it’s really tough listening to some of the stuff she says. This isn’t the first thing I’ve found offensive and likely won’t be the last.
Her hateful spite toward other women and humankind in general troubles me. I don’t like hearing of women referred to as “bitches” and “cunts” all the damned time, especially when you don’t even know them. And I really hate hearing the term “whore” used in improper context – personal pet peeve of mine. She fits the stereotype of the psycho woman who will slit the throat of all others to get the man she wants. Not cool. Probably the major reason we get along is we have nearly opposite taste in men. Her confidence is on the ground and she hasn’t established a sense of identify for herself, which I believe propels her to play two-faced and see herself as the ultimate victim in any given equation. However, in this scenario she is certainly not the victim but instead the deliberate instigator, and yet she has the audacity to ask which side I’m on.
There are no sides to choose from. This is not a battle or a worthy conquest. This will merely bring drama and pain to all involved (except perhaps the man who’s made it clear he doesn’t care either way so long as he gets sex). This is not “Ginger” vs. The World – what this is is one girl making a very poor decision where nothing good will come of it.
wakemenow said
And in case it needs to be mentioned, this galpal is not an escort, nor has she ever been. I actually know very few other escorts in person, so unless specifically stated, assume my female friends are all regular civilians.
tnt said
as a retired escort I must say I find your blog interesting and your posts very close to my own thoughts.
I think that escorts – good ones that is – go out of their way to be better sex partners than most sexually active women that are our same age out there at the bars.
I know I became MUCH more cautious as an escort and made better choices and paid better attention and said NO more often as an escort than I did as a chic going home with a hot guy that I was just trying to get attention from.
I guess it’s easier as an escort too -because we are rejecting them, already knowing they want us.
Out in the real world, we are “picking up” a guy, not even sure if we are “hot enough” – competing with all those other hot women and sex might be the only thing to seal the deal to make ourselves feel “wanted”. If the confidence isn’t there to begin with – that might be how women end up in that spot.
As an escort, you’re starting off with a whole different backup and confidence to deal with the men in the first place.
wakemenow said
Very good points, TNT. I agree in that I took many more risks in my personal life, even prior to becoming an escort. Thankfully what escorting taught me has begun to rub off on other areas of my life. Like, for example, with drinking. In my personal life, lord knows many nights I drank to get fubar and to go home with someone cute(ish); yet, while working, I limit my consumption to usually no more than 3 drinks and keep a close check to make sure my client hasn’t exceeded his own limits (drunk men are problem men, my work motto being “‘boring’ is safe”). Kinda funny how the “bad boys” seen as alluring in my personal time are viewed as potential threats while escorting.
You’re very right that in a way it is easier for us because the men do come our direction, expressing open interest. That is power and probably has done a great deal of good in boosting my own self-esteem. I feel validated. And I have a tendency to take it for granted since even before becoming an escort I had a husband and past boyfriends. Just being considered attractive can give a woman tremendous leverage over less-attractive peers.
BUT – the playing field is never level. There is always someone prettier or smarter or better-endowed. While I can appreciate that these dissimilarities do color our relationships with men and impact our personal confidence, I struggle to understand why some women insist on ultra-catty behavior. It remains counterproductive. Might get a girl laid, but little more. I guess if that’s all that’s on her mind, it serves its function, but it wreaks havoc on relations between women. That’s not cool. Men think they benefit because it increases their chances of getting laid, but it creates unnecessary friction and rewards perpetuating negativity.
But yeah, you’re right – I’m approaching this from the mindset of an escort. Plus I’m not hard-up for sex. ‘Course, even when I was I wasn’t nearly that catty with other women. My attitude even back then was if a man wanted another girl more than me, then fine. Whatever. No use pursuing it. But I did dabble some with men committed to other women in the past (in my personal life), which always turned out fruitless and stupid. But the galpal mentioned up above can count on one hand her number of sexual partners. That is completely foreign to me. I couldn’t do that past age 15. Hehe So maybe the escort perspective is further skewed by my personal life ‘ho’-ing.
She and I are fundamentally different people on that level. But again, does a lack of sexual partners and/or romantic relationships entitle someone to behave like a complete bitch? Is it that she doesn’t know any other way to act? Are we different because she possesses major insecurities that I’m not comprehending fully? One being having an incurable STD, surely. But STILL, that doesn’t come with entitlements. She’s very angry, I know, and feels like she’s been given an unfair shake in life, but hey – we all got our problems. Her coping skills are frighteningly poor for her age (mid-20s), likely a result of too much coddling, and I don’t know what to do with it anymore.
Probably making myself sound like an insensitive jerk, but I’ve been patient for many months and did try discussing her anger with her recently, to no avail. Just pissed her off further. It’s like she’s trying to work herself into a nervous breakdown some days.And she did suffer a great loss a few months back, which likely is affecting her judgment. I’m beginning to wonder if all I’m doing is enabling her, hence why I spoke up this last time she pulled yet another rude stunt (nonsexual, toward me this time). Her problem seems less to do with low self-esteem and more to do with a bitter sense of entitlement and covetous eyes.
To an extent, I can understand her resentment and insecurities manifesting in cattiness, and I surely get the desire to have sex to feel “wanted.” But I do not understand putting other people at risk of contracting something unpleasant. I’m no expert on herpes and do know it’s the common cold of STDs in America, but still…it appears beyond reckless to put innocent folks knowingly in harm’s way. If the STD in question were HIV, I would have likely reported it to the authorities and ended the friendship during that phonecall. It seems a cruel attitude to take, to demonstrate no concern for the health and well-being of all (known) involved parties. I’d think even a virgin would agree.
Not that all of this is directed at TNT. Just rambling out my thoughts since this galpal and I remain on shaky ground with one another. It’s like she’s completely dependent on feeling accepted by and receiving attention from young men to where nothing can obstruct that. I know marginally-attractive women with better attitudes and much greater success in their personal lives, so while I try to empathize with her lack of romantic experience, it’s tough to tolerate her mannerism. She comes across very spoiled. She’s a cute girl, so why not start there? The main thing holding her back is herself.
Maybe this is more about my own hang-ups and blind spots. I’m judging her for pissing in the community pool and laughing about it, which irritates me on a deep level. It’s not just about herpes and who she’s fucking, it’s about giving a damn about the people around you in the world, whether you’re competing with them or not. We’ve become such a dog-eat-dog society and it breaks my heart.
So, enough of me gossiping for one night.
wakemenow said
Alas, I am a bitchy jerk. Anything I say is suspect. lol Some days I think my galpal is the biggest sweetheart, other times I struggle with understanding where she’s coming from, on a fundamental level. We hung out the night before last and had a good time for the most part, but there are many uncomfortable pauses and awkward conversation topics (probably my bad). I don’t know. We’ll keep trying to work it out and see where it ends up.